As Tanner began to learn he could go to "daddy" for a "second opinion," he would cry to Jason after Heather had said, "no." One day, when Heather went shopping, Jason kept Tanner. Tanner began asking Jason for a marker so he could draw. Both Tanner and Jason knew that Heather did not allow Tanner to play with markers. But Jason didn't think it would hurt anything.
When Heather came home to find the walls covered with scribbles, she was very upset. Jason hadn't noticed when Tanner snuck away from him.
The little guy had learned to manipulate Jason and Heather in order to get what he wanted. It wasn't because he was a bad little boy. It was simply because two-year olds live life only to please themselves. He would grow out of it in time, but until he did, Jason and Heather would have to set some more guidelines in order to protect their marriage.
They decided that they would determine rules together. And if one of them set a rule for Tanner to follow, that rule would stand simply because of the loyalty that existed between Jason and Heather.
It took a while, but Tanner learned that "mommy and daddy" were united in parenting. If one said no, the other did as well. This was difficult but Jason and Heather were determined to be just as focused on each other as they were on being parents.
To Be Good Parents, It Takes A Good Marriage
Though it's tempting to nurture our children above our marriage, statistics tell us that children in homes with parents in strong marriages are more successful, mentally stable and have more self-esteem on average than children in homes with parents in weak relationships.
In our make-believe scenario, everything worked out nicely for Jason and Heather. That isn't always the case. Therefore, I can't stress enough the importance of focusing on your marriage relationship just as much as you focus on being a good parent. By working to improve your marriage, not only are you helping yourself, you are helping your children.
If you have a son, he needs to see his father treat his mother with compassion, respect and love. If you have a daughter, she needs to see her mother treat her father with the same compassion, respect and love. Not only will it help them in the future, but it provides them a pleasant home and a healthy attitude toward God's institution of marriage.
So practice the "trickle down effect" with your family. The good things in your marriage will usually trickle down to your children and, hopefully, to their children and generations to come.
© 2003 Family Dynamics Institute
Lee Wilson is on staff at Family Dynamics Institute, a marriage and family ministry that trains church leaders, counselors and lay couples to lead marriage-enrichment classes. You can visit their web site at www.familydynamics.net or call them at 1-800-650-9995.
If you are interested in working with married couples at your church, ask for Lee.
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