Best Feminist Agenda Movie:  “The Stepford Wives.”  Oh, you plasticized, perfectionist, pitiful stay-at-home mothers!  You could have ruled the corporate world, but you gave it all up. And for what?  Babies, baking and boredom.  If only it was a decent movie, someone might actually be convinced.

Best Mix of Modern Technology with Cinematic Inspiration: “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.”  Step back in time, to Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn’s world, while enjoying cutting-edge technology, great acting and beautiful cinematography.  An engaging ride, for young and old alike – and a worthy Oscar contender for Best Film.

Best Deconstruction of Postmodern Culture: “Shrek II.”  Brilliant characters and inspired animation team up with a witty send-up of our brand-conscious, status-hungry, OJ-watching culture.  All they had to do was leave out the cross-dressing jokes and it would have been perfect for kids and adults.

Best Pornographic Movie Disguised as Art:  “Closer.”  Cybersex that reads like an unthinkably filthy magazine, strippers that bare almost everything, nasty, cruel dialogue and a hopelessly nihilistic message.  The critics can’t stop raving.  Be sure to bring your earplugs, Prozac and dark glasses.

Best Insight into the Male Psyche:   “Spiderman II.”  Spidy unmasks and shows us every man’s dream – to be a hero to someone.  Good conquers evil in a dazzling display of excellence.  A definite Best Film contender for Oscar.

Best Guy/Hero Movie:   “Ladder 49.”  An homage to firefighters, their wives and kids, and the incredible sacrifices they make to keep us safe.  Good acting and a great message that should help us remember others, like the armed forces, who do the same.

Best Wake-Up Call Movie:  “Hotel Rwanda.”  A shocking but inspiring story about one man’s courage and heroism during the horrifying genocides of Rwanda, which were largely ignored by the U.S. media.  Why Hollywood tells us that we should intervene during this slaughter and not Iraq’s is a mystery, but this is a film to see.  A sure-fire nomination for Best Actor for Don Cheadle.

Best Adult Movie Disguised as “Family Friendly:”  “Jersey Girl.”  He’s addicted to pornography, she masturbates twice a day, and Grandpa cusses a blue streak.  Just your average New Jersey family man who finally finds true love.  Runner-Up: “Shark Tale.”  What?  You mean you don’t let your kids watch uninspired movies about mafia revenge killings that push the gay agenda?  Whassa matta witch you?