Apathy is a danger sign that may appear right before a divorce. If you have an apathetic marriage, you've stopped caring about meeting the needs of the other person. If you don't want to spend time together or be alone with each other, your marriage may be in deep trouble. BB King's song "The Thrill Is Gone" is often used to describe such a marriage.

If your thrill is gone, here are some ways to get it back.

First, ask the Lord to help you examine your own heart. You may want to pray Psalm 139:23-24:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting.

Are you pulling away emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? If you are, talk to your mate, confess your part in the distance between you, and tell him or her that you'd like to feel closer.

Second, examine your behavior. When Ron and I decided to get back on track, we didn't feel like we were in love, but we began to behave in loving ways, and loving feelings slowly followed. We started with simple things like saying please and thank you, then we moved up to small compliments like "You look nice in that color" and easy courtesies like holding the door for each other. The nicer we were to each other, the more we liked each other; the more we liked each other, the nicer we treated each other. We began a positive cycle of kindness that grew into rekindled love.

We discovered that when we changed our behavior, our feelings followed. Some people object to this method, saying it's not genuine and they feel like they're putting on an act. We tell them to try it for a week -- even if it seems forced at first -- because developing any new habit requires discipline. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Remember that married love is not a feeling -- it's a decision. If you stop being critical and negative and start behaving in a loving and caring way, your partner will eventually respond to that new behavior.

So if your marriage has lost its sense of joy and wonder, you can find it again. Don't live a "settled for" marriage. Begin today to make a change in your heart and in your actions, and soon your lovin' feelings will follow.


Adapted from Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage (Kregel Publications, 2004).


Nancy C. Anderson is an author and speaker who loves to encourage Christians to replace their fears with faith and discover the joy of an abundant life. She lives in Southern California with her husband of 26 years and their teenage son. For more information about her books or speaking topics, please visit www.NancyCAnderson.com.