Paul Tripp, author and biblical counselor, explains the pitfalls of this continuum in this way – desire leads to demand, which re-labels itself as a “need” and leads to expectation of fulfillment, which, when unmet, leads to disappointment, and thus ends in punishment. As he writes, “The objects of most of our desires are not evil. The problem is the way they tend to grow, and the control they come to exercise over our hearts. Desires are a part of human existence, but they must be held with an open hand. … The problem with desire is that in sinners it very quickly morphs into demand (‘I must’). Demand is the closing of my fists over a desire. Even though I may be unaware that I have done it, I have left my proper position of submission to God. I have decided that I must have what I have set my heart on and nothing can stand in the way. I am no longer comforted by God’s desire for me; I am threatened by it, because God’s will potentially stands in the way of my demand. … There is a direct relationship between expectation and disappointment, and much of our disappointment in relationships is not because people have actually wronged us, but because they have failed to meet our expectations.”

When I first read that diagnosis (in his book "Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands"), I was stunned. That’s exactly what happens when I “date someone in my mind”! One sentence in particular screamed from the page: “There is a direct relationship between expectation and disappointment, and much of our disappointment in relationships is not because people have actually wronged us, but because they have failed to meet our expectations.” These are self-induced dings to our hearts! Even more seriously, these acts are seeds we are sowing to future conflict in our own marriages. No husband will meet all of our desires, so we should learn to protect our own hearts and minds in Christ Jesus by not indulging this cycle of idolatry.

So how do we change? Here’s something I’ve been meditating on over the past year. The secret is in the worth of a woman with noble character. The Bible says she is “more precious than jewels.”  Jewels aren’t out on the store’s front counter for every passerby to carelessly handle. Precious jewels are guarded in the vault, and are only brought out for consideration by a buyer who has demonstrated serious intentions and the wherewithal to purchase. Costume jewelry attracts casual inspection – and lots of it – by its cheap presentation. But because it’s not seen as valuable, it’s not treated as such.

We don’t have to put our affections and ourselves on display. We can trust our heavenly Father to ward off the casual shoppers and only bring those with serious intentions to consider us. But you need to know that this will mean some “vault time.” While you’re in the dark, wondering when -- and if -- you will have a chance to sparkle for an appreciative buyer, you’ll be tested. During this time, keep in mind these three reminders: