Third, remember that these gatherings are opportunities to mend fences. Perhaps there will be a time to sit down with your sister and straighten out the grudge you’ve held for three years now (the one you now struggle to remember exactly why it started). Maybe you will get a chance to tell your mother, again, that you prefer not to be compared to your brother, or that you are visiting as often as possible given your obligations at home and really prefer not to be doused in guilt. This is a chance to spend a few extra minutes sharing in a more personal way.
Fourth, simplify and slow down. There is a strong tendency to add lots of things, and activities, to the holidays. As the music in the background picks up the tempo, folks walk faster, and even escalators even seem to pick up speed, remember there are no medals awarded to the individual or family that goes to the most Christmas parties, has the most family over, or who hands out the most elaborate gifts. Frenetic activity over the holidays only leads to exhaustion and sometimes adds to Winter blues. Often the most meaningful times are those spent with immediate family or with two or three close friends sitting quietly sharing dreams and renewing acquaintances.
Fifth, share the load. Ask for help. Let others give you a hand for a change. Many helping hands make for a lighter load. If you decide you really do want to have the family dinner at your house, give some thought ahead of time, to how others can help you so that you aren’t a one-man band. Again, this is no time to be a hero. Let it be known that things are changing for you — you need help.
Finally, keep your purpose clearly before you and establish your own traditions. What is meaningful to you? Do you even know what that is? Do you want to take in the Handel’s Messiah again, or is it time to have a simple meal with friends instead? Do you want to have your extended family over, or is it time to just relax and enjoy the festivities with your immediate family? What is your idea of the perfect Thanksgiving and Christmas? Are there special religious traditions that are important to you? Be true to yourself. Consider the meaning of this holiday season -- thankfulness for God's blessings and for God's love for us through His only Son. Celebrate, but celebrate in a way that brings joy, happiness, and meaning to this special time of year.
Dr. Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center, where he helps couples in distress. He is the author of over 30 books, including When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You, Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, and Saying It So He'll Listen. His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.
Read more about The Marriage Recover Center on Dr. David Hawkin's website at www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.
