A word to daughters: may I urge you not to resist your mom’s involvement in your life? If you have built a moat around your heart, you have not cut off an enemy but a friend. A friend, I might add, who has the essential tools you need to navigate the teen years. She isn’t perfect, I know, but I am almost certain she is lovingly committed to being your friend so that she can lead you in the ways of the Lord.

Now moms, I can imagine you responding out loud to me as you read this. "Okay, Carolyn," you say, "I’m convinced that I need to be involved in my daughter’s life. I want to be a faithful mom, but she won’t let me get close to her. What am I to do?"

The Key to Your Daughter's Heart

While I don’t pretend to hold the key to a young girl’s heart, I know the one who does. As mothers we must appeal directly to the throne of almighty God. Proverbs 21:1 discloses: "The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will." The sovereign God who directs the hearts of kings and presidents holds our daughters’ hearts in His hand.

If your daughter has constructed a moat around her heart — or if you fear she might — you must first make your request to the Heart-Keeper. No moat or barrier is too difficult for Him to overcome. Prayer is a key to accessing your daughter’s heart.

Author J. C. Ryle encouraged parents: "The Lord is far more willing to hear than we to pray; far more ready to give blessings than we to ask them — but He loves to be entreated for them. . . . I suspect the child of many prayers is seldom cast away."²  So let us, with faith and boldness, ask Him to restore or strengthen our mother-daughter relationships.

The Ingredients of a Mother-Daughter Friendship

Now this doesn’t mean we come with our fingers wagging and tell our daughters — you will be my friend whether you like it or not! As I once heard a pastor say, "Friendship is earned, not demanded." And friendship doesn’t mean that we relinquish our God-given authority. Rather, our authority is the foundation on which we are to build our friendship. The goal is to win our daughters’ hearts and affection so we can lead them in the ways of the Lord.

To earn their friendship, we must first earn their trust. We must approach our daughters with humility and ask questions. We can’t assume that we know the reasons they may keep us at arm’s length.

Maybe we have unwittingly offended them, or they are bitter over a decision we have made. Or perhaps their reaction is simply the consequence of a worldly view of mothers. In many cases their hearts may have grown proud. They may also fear what their friends would think about their hanging out with Mom. Or they might be unaware that their attitude and behavior have changed.