CB:  What does passivity do to men?

Coughlin:  Passivity makes them angry losers in life. It also makes them dangerously dishonest, unreliable, and can even lead to outbursts of tremendous anger and violence.

It fills men with self-loathing and gets them to mistake their failure in life for God’s sovereignty. They blame God for their wasted lives when God has already given them a plan to escape their passive and fearful lifestyle. Many of these men have not been shown this escape route until now.

CB:  What role does fear play in passivity?

Coughlin:  Fear is the major reason why they are passive. Fear causes people to live small, thinking their life will have less troubles when they do. Their life has more troubles when they refuse to enter into redemptive conflict.

Fear also means they will not be able to give or receive deep love. This makes them unattractive to potential spouses and unable to keep a wife when they get one. They can’t fully receive God’s love either, or love Him in return.

When fear is in the driver’s seat of your life, forget about obtaining the abundant life Jesus said He came to bring us, but also warned is hard to find. Perfect love castes out fear (1 John 4:18). But the opposite is also true: fear casts out love.
 
CB:  What’s your advice to people who realize they are a passive Christian Nice Guy?

Coughlin:  There are two primary actions they must take:

1. Discard the church’s current caricature of the Nice Nazarene. That is a work of fiction and a powerful source of false expectations.

2. Understand the roll that fear is playing in their lives. It’s best to talk with someone who knows the multifaceted dynamics of fear. Trained counselors are a great place to begin.

CB:  What’s your advice to the women in the lives of passive and dishonest Christian Nice Guys?

Coughlin:  The problems women face as they relate to the Christian Nice Guy problem is the subject of a whole other book that I’m currently working on. These women are in a tough place, and I admire how much they care about their men.

First, they should understand that the destructive passivity they witness probably began before meeting their Christian Nice Guy (CNG). So in most cases its not their fault. This brings immediate relief.

Second, never shame your CNG. This will push him further underground.

Third, encourage him to confront the fear that controls his behavior. My testimony can help. Tell him about Christianniceguy.com.

Fourth, try not to control the outcome of his transformation from a Christian Nice Guy to a Christian Good Guy. Sometimes this soul work can get a little messy. It’s well worth the wait.

CB:  You say that you are presenting a wider and more powerful definition of love. Can you give us an example?

Coughlin:  A man who joins the Good Guy Rebellion is encouraged to by more tender and more tough, but always keeping in mind what is good for others. They are encouraged to embrace their emotions, not hide from them like so many men are prone to do. It’s not an excuse to be a jerk.

My son’s first day of school is a good example. He was waiting in line and near him was a boy who was clearly upset and depressed. I know the boy. His mom is dying. I put my arm around him and asked him questions about his life. I have no magic answers, but I showed him imperfect love anyway. I never would have done that during my Christian Nice Guy years. And I never would have gone up to the kid who was picking on my daughter and told him that it has to stop now, either.

Paul Coughlin hosts a radio talk show on KDOV in southern Oregon and is the author of "Secrets, Plots, and Hidden Agendas:  What You Don’t Know About Conspiracy Theories."  Paul has been interviewed by C-SPAN, the New York Times, and numerous radio and television stations across the country.  A former Christian Nice Guy, Paul is a happily married father and lives in Oregon.
 

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