"Well, I don’t think anything is really wrong with us. At least nothing major. But, we don’t talk much. I think we are the classic couple that has grown so comfortable together that we don’t really know each other really well anymore. I’ve noticed we’ve been doing more criticizing lately. I can’t speak for Kerry, but I think both of us may be getting discouraged about how things are going."

"How about it, Kerry?" I asked.

Kerry stroked his beard. "Well," he said slowly, "it can’t be all that bad. We’ve been married fourteen years and have two great kids. I work hard and enjoy the chance to play golf. Debbie works and likes to attend quilting parties with her friends. I guess I didn’t know things were so bad."

"So, things are okay as far as you’re concerned?" I asked.

"From my perspective…yes. But, Debbie says she’s not happy, and I’m having trouble understanding what she has to complain about. I’m definitely not like the guys I work with who spend every night at the cocktail lounge."

Debbie became noticeably more upset.

"See what I mean," she said, looking at me. "This isn’t new news. I have been asking him to go to counseling for months. Our marriage is dying a slow death. Kerry doesn’t tell me or show me that he cares about me. He doesn’t ask me about my day. And to tell the truth, I’ve quit asking about his day. He does his thing, and I do mine. We haven’t spent a weekend away alone in years. I don’t want our marriage to end up like my friends. Things have to improve."

Over the next several weeks we explored Debbie and Kerry’s marriage. Together we outlined some of their patterns of living in the trenches instead of the grandstands. We discovered these "trench-like" habits:

• They talk sharply to each other;

• They take one another for granted;

• They make demands instead of requests;

• They put each other down rather than offering praise and encouragement;

• They fail to get excited about each other’s ideas and dreams;

• They spend little time simply conversing;

• They forget to champion one another.

Fortunately, Debbie and Kerry caught their problem early enough and were willing to change. They made a deliberate decision to clear out some of the everyday "urgents" that came between them and replaced them with positive activities and encouragement. Specifically, I gave them the following instruction: