Sinful mothers and sinful daughters living together in a sinful world means that conflict is inevitable. You may have noticed that many of our conflicts occur right within our own families, and consequently we sin against the people we love the most. Theologian John Stott points out that because of the Fall, family relationships are tainted by sin: "For the family life which God created at the beginning and pronounced to be ‘good’ was spoiled by human rebellion and selfishness. Relationships fell apart. Society was fractured."1
But there is good news. It doesn’t have to stay this way. By God’s amazing grace, we can resolve any argument, regardless of how severe it has become or how long it has lasted. James 4 shows us a clear path out of the jungle of conflict. To guide us through these verses, I’m going to borrow my dad’s sermon notes. Besides being a great dad, he’s been a pastor for many years; so he has a lot more wisdom than I do. His message — "Cravings and Conflict" — has completely revolutionized the way I think about and work through conflict.2 (Thanks, Dad!)
Let’s begin by reading James 4:1-2: "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel."
Dad points out three truths:
1. Conflict is worse than we think.
2. Conflict is simpler than we think.
3. Conflict is easier to resolve than we think.
Let’s start with the bad news: Conflict is worse than we think. I doubt that many of us consider our mother-daughter conflict to be as serious as it really is. For example, have you ever employed one of the following phrases to describe your relationship?
• We just don’t get along.
• We have issues.
• We’re wired differently.
• Our personalities clash.
• We have different preferences.
• We don’t see things the same way.
If we’re honest, I’m sure we’d all have to admit to using phrases such as these to brush aside our disagreements. But God uses stronger terms than "personality clash" or "differing preferences" to depict our conflict. He uses words such as "coveting" and "war" and "murder." Our anger and quarrelling and nasty words are to God as serious as if we were at war with each other. He even compares them to murder. How sobering.
