The situation appears even more grim when we realize that our conflict isn’t simply a disagreement between mother and daughter. When we quarrel and fight, we are disobeying God. We are rebelling against His great command to love one another. We are despising His Word that says, "the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires" (James 1:20). Only when we agree with God, that our sin against each other is also sin against Him, can we make progress toward resolving our conflicts. And that's key - our goal shouldn't be to avoid conflict altogether, but to resolve it when it occurs.
But though serious, our conflicts are also simpler than we think. I know it doesn’t always feel that way. Conflicts can seem complicated. For example, have you ever been smack in the middle of a fight, only to forget what you were mad about in the first place? I certainly have. And sometimes conflict hits you out of nowhere. One minute you’re chatting amicably, and the next thing you know, you’re in a heated argument. What just happened? Then there is the recurring conflict, the one you could set your clock by. You know it’s coming, but you can’t seem to get out of its way. And so it happens over and over and over again.
Scripture exposes conflicts for the simpletons they really are. In answer to the question: "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?" God responds with a rhetorical question of His own: "Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have" (James 4:1-2). Inside the freight train of every conflict is one powerful engine: a sinful desire for something that we want but don’t get. Another word for this sinful desire is a craving. Counselor David Powlison remarks, "Cravings underlie conflicts."3
Conflicts don’t create the problem. They reveal the problem. They expose the sinful cravings lurking in our hearts. When we don’t get what we crave, we quarrel and fight. It’s that simple. And this truth — that cravings underlie conflicts — is the key to resolving even the most complicated mother-daughter disagreements.
Take your most recent conflict, for example. What did you crave that you weren’t getting? Did you want to be left alone, be understood, have your own way, or be in control? Was it that you weren’t getting the appreciation, recognition, or affirmation you thought you deserved? Or maybe you didn’t want to clean your room, take care of your siblings, or do whatever it was your mom told you to do. Perhaps you longed to get even, inflict hurt, be right, or win the argument.
At first glance, many of these desires don’t seem like a big deal. But when we are willing to fight in order to get them, it’s a sure sign they are a bigger deal than we think. They have developed into sinful cravings. As Dr. Powlison (paraphrasing John Calvin) writes: "The evil in our desires often lies not in what we want but that we want it too much."4
