Worse than the ineffectiveness of missionary dating is that it actually does the opposite:  it hurts our own faith. Like Lacey, we can convince ourselves that everything will be OK once the other person changes. But typically, it’s we who change.

Women may be especially in danger of this trap. In 2000, syndicated religion columnist Terry Mattingly wrote about a study that looked at trends in living together before marriage. In the Journal of Family Issues study, researchers found that “deeply religious men” far less commonly live with a woman before marriage than nonreligious men. However, “deeply religious women” were just as likely to cohabitate as nonreligious women. Why?

“My theory is that women are willing to make sacrifices for their partners, once they have become emotionally attached,” said one of the researchers. “They’re willing to make compromises to try to hang on to the relationship. Men won’t do that. ... These girls are probably thinking, ‘He’s not perfect. But I love him and I can help him change.’”¹¹

This is exactly why over and over the Bible warns us, above all else, to guard our hearts (Ps. 119:37; Prov. 4:23–25; Prov. 22:5; 1 Cor. 16:13; 2 Tim. 1:14). It’s better for me to not even approach a non-Christian than to tease hurtful motivations.

Of course, that’s easier said than done. Luckily, we aren’t alone. God can do mighty things through prayer. And he can also do mighty things through the people he puts around us. I try to take advantage of those trusted friends and family members by being open with my life so they can lend me truth and accountability. I try to be honest with them. And to ask them to look out for me and keep me in prayer. In fact, I have even given some loved ones specific permission to challenge me and question me about dating decisions.

Most of all, we need to trust God to build our romantic relationships. And we need him not only as the architect but as a day-to-day presence in both members’ lives. Great advice comes from Psalm 127:1: “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.”

Click here to read Part 1.

¹⁰Zen Lee, "When Dating Becomes a Mission," Columbia standard, March 1997.
¹¹Terry Mattingly, "Missionary Cohabitating," Scripps Howard News Service, 2000.

Used by permission of Fleming H. Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group, copyright © 2006.  All rights to this material are reserved.  Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Baker Publishing Group.

Camerin Courtney is managing editor of Today's Christian Woman magazine, author of "Table for One," and a columnist for ChristianSinglesToday.com.

Todd Hertz is an associate editor for Ignite Your Faith Magazine, formerly Campus Life.  He's a frequent contributor to ChristianSinglesToday.com and ChristianityTodayMovies.com.