Kate was a devout Christian woman in her fifties who came to see me for symptoms of depression. Dressed perfectly in matching blouse and skirt, her gray hair neatly styled, she had been struggling with low energy and a lack of enthusiasm for several years. She told me that her friends thought of her as "sweet as honey," but Kate wondered if any of them really knew her. Odd as it may seem, Kate’s troubles stemmed from her obsession with not hurting anyone’s feelings.

"It’s the way I was raised," she said. "My mom taught me never to talk back to anyone. She said I should always put other’s needs above my own. That’s the way she lived her life."

Kate offered an occasional smile when referring to herself as a "proud Southern woman. You never put yourself first, and you always make others comfortable before yourself. It’s the way of the Bible."

Kate was married to a "strong, independent man, who likes his control." Now retired, Gene had been a successful businessman, and he demanded a great deal from Kate while giving little in return.

For years she had enjoyed the benefits of his six-figure salary. She liked entertaining in the spacious, Mediterranean-style home on the hill overlooking the city. Yet, Kate wondered why she was irritable. She wondered why her husband’s dominance made her unsure of herself. She gave numerous examples of how he told her what to do, how to think, and even how to feel. Yet, surprisingly, not until recently did she recognize this as inappropriate — even as it was taking its toll on her self-esteem.

Kate loved her husband and was used to deferring to him. It was difficult for her to see how his violation of her personal boundaries was having a potent impact on her. In counseling she learned that his violation of her personal boundaries caused her to be unsure of her own thoughts, unaware of her own feelings, insecure about her decisions. Over the years she had even grown wary of making decisions on her own, fearing his ridicule. Together we explored the notion of healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries help you:

• Know what you think

• Be able to say yes to good things and no to bad things

• Know how to make healthy decisions

• Know how our thoughts are different from others’ points of view

• Take responsibility for our actions, and not the actions of others

• Know how to set limits on others’ intrusions into our lives

• Respect others’ ability to say yes and no, and honor their decisions