As you can see, setting healthy boundaries can bring great freedom, especially in marriage. In the following months in counseling, Kate learned to calmly tell her husband about how her feelings and thoughts differed from his. She learned that her husband wasn’t the only one who was demanding of her — she expected a great deal of herself, regardless of how she felt. In the past, she had failed to set good boundaries, taking unnecessary responsibility for accommodating others’ thoughts and feelings, even in her friendships.

While there have been some tense times in their marriage, Kate and Gene are doing well. They still subscribe to the Biblical mandate to "become one flesh," but now realize it doesn’t mean being identical twins with identical thoughts. They have discovered that sharing differences, with respect, can bring a new vitality to their marriage.

How are you doing with boundaries? Are you living with paper fences, allowing others to tell you what you think, how to behave and what to feel? Consider lovingly sharing with them the concept of personal boundaries, and learn to enjoy the excitement that differences can bring to marriage.


This article is sixth in a series on nine mistakes most couples make. Read part 5: Has the Spark Faded from Your Marriage?


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This article was adapted from  Nine Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make  (Harvest House Publishers, 2005).

Dr. David B. Hawkins is a Visiting Professor at International Christian University and specializes in interpersonal relationship counseling as well as domestic violence and emotional abuse in relationships. He has been a frequent guest on Moody Radio Mid-day Connection, Focus on the Family, and At Home Live. You can visit his website at www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com .

Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice about an issue in your marriage or family? Submit a question to Dr. David's new advice column by contacting him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com .