Valentine’s Day is coming soon, and romance is on our minds. We tend to think we know what it means to express "love" – flowers, candy, cards, jewelry and expensive dinners, right? That pretty much sums up what most couple do on Valentine’s Day to show love to their mates, so it must be the formula that works. But what if these standard methods don't speak to your mate's heart? What if your attempts at showing love fall flat?

One day, I asked my husband, Ron, to make a list of things he wished I would do for him: things that would make him feel loved. It was an amazing revelation. I made a wish-list, too, and when we started doing the things on each other's list, our marriage moved from frustrating to fulfilling.

Here's why I asked him to make a list:

One Saturday afternoon, Ron was happily watching a football game, but I was in the mood to be outside. So I spent two hours washing and waxing his new red sedan. It looked wonderful, and I was very proud of myself. I thought, I’m the greatest wife in the world!

When the game was over, I was bubbling with excitement as I said, "I have a wonderful surprise for you. Follow me!" As we walked out to the driveway, I pointed to the car and boasted, "I washed it and waxed it! Isn’t it beautiful?"

His face froze, as he said, "Why did you do that? The windows are all streaked. Besides, I like to go to the car wash."

I planted my hands on my hips and said, "I did something nice for you . . . gave you a gift . . . and you just spit on it! My old boyfriend, Mike, was always thrilled when I washed his car!"

"Well, I’m not Mike, am I? I don’t want you to wash my car. If you want to do something to please me, wash some dirty clothes. The laundry pile is big enough to ski on!"

"That would make you happy?"

"I’d be thrilled! That pile drives me nuts!"

I was shocked. "I had no idea that dirty laundry bothered you. It’s never bothered me."

"Obviously."

That was when I asked him write down a few things I could do to please him. Over the years, we’ve put a positive spin on it by calling it a love list.

When we speak to couples’ groups, we give them a sheet of paper and tell them to write down the top three things they wish their spouse would do for them. You’d be surprised at some of the things on their lists . . . or maybe you wouldn’t. The man typically includes " more sex," but we rarely see that request on a woman’s list. The woman’s list usually includes "talk to me more," but I’ve never seen that on a man’s list.