He’ll love it when—at least occasionally—you join him in his leisure-time pursuits. One backdoor way to eventually get him to join you in your world, the world of talk and communication and emotional connection, is to first join him in his.

When you are doing something he likes to do, it puts him at ease. He feels relaxed. Respected. Happy. He can lower his usual male defensive guard. He’s more open and may converse on a deeper level. A connection, a bridge is formed between the two of you that isn’t there at any other time in your relationship. Men typically don’t talk personally when they’re just sitting around doing nothing. Men talk and express when they’re in action or viewing something that holds their attention. If your husband is having fun with you engaging in one of his interests, he’ll feel closer to you. A mood conducive to conversation is present. His tongue will be loosened, and some personal, revealing statements may slip out.

When your husband is expected to talk, and there is no fun activity going on, and you’re staring at him, he has a terrible time talking. When the interesting activity is the focus and talking isn’t expected, he talks. He’ll say personal things to you during play times that he’d never, ever, say sitting with you in your den or at a restaurant.

You may be able to cut some deals with your husband, using your involvement in his interests as a bargaining chip. Men are basically fair-minded creatures and can understand deals. This is the "I’ll scratch your back and you’ll scratch mine" principle.

If he doesn’t share personally during a shared activity, say to him: "Honey, I did —— [some activity] with you, and I enjoyed being with you. Now I’d like you to take me out Friday evening to a romantic restaurant and talk to me about your job, the stress you’re under lately, and where we’re going as a couple." Men don’t like surprises, so go ahead and give him the agenda. That way he can make some notes to prepare for the meeting.

He might not go for this kind of deal. But because you met his need by spending time playing with him, he might.

1. Do you have a habit of putting other persons and activities before your husband? Look at your typical day—what do you do before you give him your time and attention?

2. Ask your husband what activities he’d like you to do with him on a regular basis. Right now, schedule one of these shared activities for this week.

3. Ask your husband if he’ll find it easier to talk with you during a shared activity he enjoys. Make some deals: you do something he enjoys, and he talks to you during the activity; you do something he enjoys, and the next activity is something you enjoy.