"Elektra" Targets Immature, Adolescent Male Audience
- Thursday, January 13, 2005
Release Date: January 14, 2005
Rating: PG-13 (for action violence)
Run Time: 1 hr. 37 min.
Director: Rob Bowman
Actors: Jennifer Garner, Goran Visnjic, Kirsten Prout, Will Yun Lee, Terrance Stamp,
PLEASE NOTE: In the interest of the intended audience of this film, the following review was written by Annabelle Robertson’s 14-year-old male alias. No pun intended.
Dude. Have you seen the new “Elektra” flick? Ya know, the one with that babe from “Alias,” Jennifer Garner? Man, can she kick butt – martial arts and stuff, you know. Demons, too. It’s totally evil. And did I tell you the best part? You get to look at Jennifer Garner the entire time! It's, like, my total fantasy.
It’s a spin-off, see – not a sequel. So we get different characters and all. Like, no Ben Affleck in a purple suit this time around. Now Elektra, she like died in the other film, “Daredevil,” so they had to like, resurrect her or something for this movie. They did it with magical powers – some old guy, who’s also blind. No, not Affleck – he’s history. I have no idea where he went, though, especially since Elektra was so totally in love with him, you’d think she’d call on him or something, when she gets in trouble. But they don’t even mention him.
So anyway, Elektra’s brought back to life by this other blind dude (Terrance Stamp). He’s got this power called “kimagure,” or the ability to control time and the future. Oh, and bring back the dead, too. Didn’t I tell you this was cool? All these occult themes and stuff. So this guy’s like Elektra’s “sensei” (that’s Japenese for “old blind dude who shows her how to fight and do occult stuff”), and he kicked her out of martial arts class. So now Elektra’s only got half her training – and half of her supernatural abilities. But she can still see into the future.
So anyway, Elektra’s like this totally cool assassin, making millions of dollars and everything. And get this: when she kills her victims, which she does with these really cool swords (somebody who knows Greek might recognize the letters – same as the first movie – looks like an “E” to me). And – you’re gonna love this – she wears this outfit that’s, like, indescribable. I mean, picture the most gorgeous babe you’ve ever seen in the hottest red outfit, with amazing whip-like things on her arms. Oh, and she also goes swimming in her underwear.
So anyway, she’s supposed to kill somebody, and she waits around to find out who, but then it turns out to be the dude next door (Goran Visnjic), the one from “E.R.,” who Elektra’s kinda interested in. He’s got a daughter – she’s not too bad, kinda young – a Canadian television actress (Kirsten Prout). But anyway, Elektra’s supposed to kill them, and almost does, with this really cool bow-and-arrow thing, only she can’t, on account of she’s like, had Christmas dinner with them and all. So she protects them instead, from these assassins that want them dead. Which is kinda hard to do, because they keep standing in front of glass windows and all, but you know. Oh, and when the assassins die, they like disappear into a puff of green smoke. It’s cause – are you ready? – they’re demons. Cool, huh?
So anyway, this Chinese dude, who runs a gang called “The Hand,” (yeah, I know, cracked me up, too – like, ‘Talk to the hand, man!’) sends over some new assassins. They’ve got supernatural powers, too. And stupid names – like Stone and Tatoo and Typhoid. Stone (Bob Sapp), he’s like an imitation of The Rock. He just beats people up. Typhoid (Natassia Malte), she breathes on people and makes ‘em die. Oh, and she gives Garner this mega-lesbian kiss. And Tatoo (Chris Ackerman), he has all these tats, and they like come to life. I mean, like, his eagle tat jumps out of his chest and goes flying around, and Tat can see through his eyes. Then a bear comes out of his stomach. And later, like these millions of snakes come out of him. It’s like so demonic, I’m telling you. With all sorts of Ninja mumbo-jumbo about evil and good. Wicked!
So anyway, Elektra keeps having these, like, acid flashbacks to her childhood, where her mom was killed and all. But for some reason, she doesn’t have any flashbacks to the scenes in “Daredevil,” where she like, fell in love with Affleck and watched her dad die. I guess director Rob Bowman (“The X-Files”) forgot to add that. Oh, and the guy that killed her mom in the first movie, the Kingpen, he like totally didn’t do it, after all. Only they don’t explain that, so I was a little confused. Turns out it’s the Hand dude that did it, not Kingpen, and Elektra’s mad about that. But, for some reason, she isn’t mad about the Hand – or was it the Kingpen? They keep changing on me here – killing her dad. Or herself, either, for that matter. ‘Cause she died. Remember?
But, whatever! As long as I get to watch that girl fight in her skimpy red suit, I’m cool. I don’t think she’s actually a black belt in real life – the fight scenes are like, totally flash-edited to make ‘em look real. And the scenery isn’t exactly original. They go to this camp in the woods that I guess is supposed to be cool and different, but isn’t. And there’s like no, what’s the word – coherence? – to Elektra’s character, who’s never friendly to anyone, but then really nice to the teenage girl, who’s a total pain and who even broke in and stole the necklace Elektra’s mother left her (only it’s a different necklace – I wonder if Bowman couldn’t find the first one?).
So, anyway. It’s not, like, the greatest of films. I mean, it’s probably not even as good as “Daredevil,” which everybody said was, like, a total embarrassment. But what do I care? I got to watch Jennifer Garner for 97 minutes, and that’s all that matters to me. So as far as I’m concerned, this film is the bomb.
AUDIENCE: (Immature) Adults only.
- Drugs/Alcohol Content: Several characters drink wine/alcohol.
- Language/Profanity: A dozen or so profanities and obscenities.
- Sexual Content/Nudity: Two women engage in lengthy kiss; female character wears provocative costumes and cleavage throughout film and, in one scene, bra and panties; character refers to “getting laid;” male and female characters kiss.
- Violence: Extreme violence with much killing, fighting, martial arts and situations where death is threatened and/or imminent; numerous deaths, many under strange, occult-like circumstances as well as numerous deaths by stabbing (onscreen) and one beheading (offscreen).
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