Relieving Tension in the Home
- Thursday, June 30, 2011
There was a lot of tension in my home when I was growing up. When we were at odds with each other we were taught a very simple coping strategy; avoid it! Of course that didn’t solve anything or make it go away; the tension just built up over time, eventually exploding like an erupting volcano.
It’s important that our homes be a place where everyone can release their tension in appropriate ways and find a respite and relief. If not, your teens will find ways to self-medicate the tension away through drugs, alcohol, promiscuity or self-harm. The pressures of their world are far greater than when we were kids, so let me share with you some practical ideas for relieving tension in your home.
Hold the drama
I got a question recently from the distraught mother of a sixteen year old. She asked, “How do I get my daughter to stop being a drama queen and upsetting the entire family? I feel that I have to protect my younger children from her blowups.” I told her that drama occurs because drama works—teens do it because it produces a result they desire. It is an easy way to gain center stage.
Drama is usually crisis-driven; something has happened that they’re responding to by creating drama. And if it works for them one time, they’ll do it again, and again. Of course while that helps them release their own tension, it tends to add tension for everyone else in the family. So I told this mother to say something like this, “If you can’t control the drama; if you insist on being the center of attention by acting out, there will be consequences. Drama is not an appropriate way to deal with whatever is bugging you.” Putting an end to the drama in your home will help relieve a lot of tension for everyone, and especially you.
Learn to laugh
When was the last time your family laughed together about something? Proverbs 17:22 says “A cheerful heart is good medicine.” Laughter short-circuits tension. So, watch a comedy together; find good clean comedians you can all enjoy. Invite friends over who have a good sense of humor. Have a joke night at the dinner table where you assign everyone to bring at least two new jokes and engage in laughter together. Post humorous cartoons on the refrigerator. Text jokes to each other. The point is this, it takes some work, but if your home is tense, you need to bring in some humor to offset it.
Your children watch to see how you respond when things go wrong, and they tend to pattern their behavior after yours. So, laugh at yourself. When something goes wrong—when you break a glass—don’t get angry, make fun of your clumsiness. When your teen makes a mistake, don’t get angry, make light of it — “Wow, you really blew it this time! I guess we have a lot of yard work to do together.” Making anger part of your “punishment” will never improve the situation, it will only damage your relationship. Anger from the parent also short-circuits the lesson to be learned, because instead of the teen contemplating the stupidity of his own actions, all he feels is anger right back at the parent. So instead of getting angry next time, let the consequences teach your teen the lesson they need to learn. In fact, do as we do, work alongside your teen as they complete their consequences (we prefer yard work as a consequence –without the IPod–because it gives a teen time to think). Working beside them lets them know that you are on their side, that you are feeling their pain, and that you want to see them do better.
While it’s true that “The family that prays together stays together,” it’s also true that the family that laughs together stays together, because laughter helps overcome tension and stress. Your teenage boy is going to release his tension in some way. It is far better to release it through laughter than slamming doors, recklessly speeding down the road, or putting his fist through the wall.
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