Hiatus: Obscure English word meaning "lengthy apology and list of excuses why Josh Carden hasn't written more columns in, oh, say, the last 12 months or so."

 

You know, according the laws of some states (I forget which ones), I could probably be declared legally dead for the amount of time I've been absent from this column. But as the author Mark Twain once remarked: "Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated." And to my brother Jason, who is sure to ask, I say: you don't get to inherit my pogo stick.

 

I could waste your time explaining how the federal government tapped me for a top secret assignment in Mongolia, or how Chief Justice Rhenquist asked me to sit down and explain "this pesky First Amendment thing" over the course of the last year, or how President Bush asked me to head a new Humor Columns Agency (HCA for short) ... but that's really on a "need-to-know" basis, and I don't think you're cleared for that yet.   

 

So instead, I'll do a quick catch up on my life since last I wrote, share a quick plane story (of course), and end with my Top Ten New Year's Resolutions:

 

Part I: Where I've Been

 

1. I graduated from Regent University Law School in May 2002;

2. I got hired by the Alliance Defense Fund in Scottsdale, AZ in May 2002;

3. I moved to Scottsdale, Arizona in May 2002;

4. I took two bar exam review courses in summer 2002;

5. I took the Arizona bar exam in July 2002;

6. I took a nap in August, September, October and a good part of November;

7. I found out that I passed the bar in October 2002 (after a brief Snoopy dance, I went back to sleep immediately. Yes, I did call and tell my mother);

8. I added New York and Minnesota to my list of "states I've visited" in November 2002. They're cold. Really cold.

9. I turned 28 in December 2002.

10. I began this column in December 2002.

 

So now you're pretty much caught up. 

 

Oh, if you're interested, feel free to keep up with me and the rest of my "Merry Band of Litigators" at our organization's website. When I first heard about ADF (as Alliance Defense Fund is commonly known), I decided to visit their website.

 

Knowing that they were non-profit, I typed in www.adf.org.  I knew I had made a dreadful mistake when the opening line of the web page read: "ADF was founded on the principle of open and free NeoPagan worship."  Sure enough a Druid Fellowship had beaten the Alliance Defense Fund to the proverbial world-wide-punch.