Communication in Marriage Part I – Hurtful Words

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Whoever coined this little ditty must have been living on Planet Mars. Our words have an astonishing power to hurt or to heal, especially in our marriages. So it is not surprising that the number one complaint in most marriages is, “We just don’t communicate any more.” For when our words assault the very ones we love, communication shuts down like a steel trap door.

The Power of Words

The Bible makes it clear that our words have an awesome power, both for good and for ill:

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21).

Perhaps that is why we are so inconsistent in the things that we say and the claims that we make:

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be” (James 3:9-10).

Since our words are so potentially profitable and at the same time so potentially dangerous, we would do well to seriously consider how we can become healing agents in our marriages through the things that we say to one another. And there is no better place to begin than with the practical wisdom of the Book of Proverbs, a divine treasure chest on human relationships. So this Part One article on communication in marriage will begin with our words that hurt.

Words That Hurt

We have all been both the victim of hurting words from others as well as the agent of hurting words toward others. If we are not careful, our words can wipe out our mates, causing almost irreversible damage. All of us, from time to time, have felt the piercing pain of a sharp word or the crushing agony of a deceitful and slanderous lie:

“Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18a).

 

“A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4b).

 

“He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool” (Proverbs 10:18).

 

“A wicked man listens to evil lips; a liar pays attention to a malicious tongue” (Proverbs 17:4).

 

“The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are truthful” (Proverbs 12:22).

 

“A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart” (Proverbs 26:24-25).

Or we may have fallen prey to the subtle gossip of a so-called friend:

“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends” (Proverbs 16:28).

Or maybe it was the betrayal of a word shared in confidence:

“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9).

Even apparent praise can be nothing more than a self-serving instance of flattery:

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin” (Proverbs 26:28).

 

“Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet” (Proverbs 29:5).

Sometimes we may have been made the butt of a degrading joke, launched in our direction by someone who supposedly loved us:

“Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’” (Proverbs 26:18-19).

These are the kinds of words that hurt. All of us have felt their sting. Perhaps, even worse, maybe we were the source of such destructive words. But through the new birth, God has recreated us in Christ so that we might speak healing words into our marriages rather than hurting words. So in the Part Two article on communication in marriage we will discuss our words that heal.

In light of the potential danger of our words in marriage as well as God’s desire for you to experience His healing words of life in your marriage, prayerfully consider the following thoughts:

• When was the last time that you actually wiped out your mate with a volley of hurtful words? If you can’t remember, why not ask your spouse.
• If you have unleashed such a barrage of hurtful words against your mate, why not ask God to forgive you (1 John 1:9). Now ask your mate to forgive you (James 5:13-16).
• Now, as a couple, ask the Lord to guard your lips from speaking all hurtful words against your mate. This might be a good daily prayer, don’t you think?

“LORD, who may dwell in Your sanctuary? Who may live on Your holy hill? He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue” (Psalm 15:1-3a).

In Part Two of this series on communication in marriage, we will look at the power of healing words in our marriages.

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