Did early boyfriends control or dominate her? Did she learn to believe she should be submissive and allow him to dominate?

Had she done things for which she now felt guilt and shame? Did she feel she deserved punishment?

I hope her therapist helped her discover the origins of her misguided view of self, and then assisted her correcting such terribly destructive thinking. She would protest humiliating or painful physical or emotional treatment of the most reprehensible criminal. Why, then, should she think that she deserves such behavior, no matter what she has done, or because of what others have done to her?

What Should They Do?

A person in relationship with an abusive person should NOT marry her unless she first gets the right help and overcomes her unacceptable behaviors. It is foolish to marry a person with the thought that she will change later. If she will not change before the marriage, she will not change after the marriage. Those who think differently learn a hard lesson of life. Their dreams eventually evolve into nightmares.

A person married to an abuser should muster the courage to demand that she change. If she refuses to get the right help and completely cease the unacceptable behaviors, he should no longer live with her. Continuing in the marriage under the current conditions destroys both the abuser and the abused. True love demands action to rescue all involved from the abusive behavior.

Sometimes the abusive person fails to understand the inappropriateness of her behavior. She perceives the protests of her spouse as invalid and overreaction. When that occurs, the spouse who feels abused should involve others who can help open the abuser’s eyes to the consequences of her behavior. Seeking the services of a good counselor, wise friends, or truly spiritual pastors can assist tremendously. If that fails, or for more intense and focused help, enroll in an intensive marriage weekend that includes a strong component on control and domination. In our intense three-day marriage workshop, we focus on several key areas, including helping controlling and dominating people recognize their behaviors, realize the consequences, and change their actions.

Joe Beam founded Beam Research Center, an organization that provides marriage help to hurting couples strengthen or save their marriage. Follow him on Facebook here. We would love to help your marriage, whether there is abuse, infidelity, or any other problem, please visit us at www.MarriageHelper.com, call us toll free at 866-903-0990, or email us at info@JoeBeam.com.

Publication date: November 30, 2012