My lover is radiant and ruddy
outstanding among ten thousand.
~ Song of Songs 5:10

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
~ Song of Songs 2:3 

What can we learn from the Song about how we as men need to think and behave in order to have a great sex life with our wives?

Commitment, Companionship and Closeness

Men, I am about to tell you the most important fact you will ever learn about how your wife thinks about sex. If you get anything out of this book, get this! Blessed is the man who understands, accepts and lives in harmony with his wife’s God-given sexuality.

Here it is, Love Lesson #1:

For her, sex is about your total relationship.

Her sexual union with you is based upon, nurtured and inspired by commitment, companionship and closeness. The only way she can fully respond to you sexually is if she believes and knows in her heart that the two of you have a sacred and secure relationship of love. For your wife to be excited and motivated sexually, she must feel close to you, and be confident that you deeply and dearly love her.

Sex proceeds out of this commitment, not the other way around. And guess what? God has designed it this way. The need for closeness before sex is not a feminine foible or weakness. It is a divinely-given gift, a gift that you as a husband must understand and respect, and with which you must work in harmony.

Women want to know that they are the one and only woman in your life—for all of your life. Listen to this request made by the bride in the Song:

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned. (Song of Songs 8:6–7)

So how do we assure and reassure our wife that she has our full commitment? One of the most powerful ways is with our words. The husband in the Song excels in assuring his wife of her unique place in his life.

He lets her know that she owns his heart:

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace. (Song of Songs 4:9)

He lets her know that, though there may be other beautiful women, she is unique, one-of a-kind. He assures her that there is no one else like her in his life, that she has no competition for his affections, desires and love:

Sixty queens there may be,

and eighty concubines,

and virgins beyond number;
but my dove, my perfect one, is unique.
(Song of Songs 6:8–9)

He warms her heart with his endearing names: six times he calls her his “bride.” [1] What does that say to her? It says he still regards her as the beautiful bride with whom he fell in love, and to whom he made a marriage vow, and pledged life-long fidelity.

Nine times he calls her his “darling.” [2] This Hebrew word also has in its meaning the concept of “companion.” In other words, he recognizes that his wife is not just there to meet his sexual needs—she is to be his best friend, lifelong partner and closest confidant.

But he does more than talk. He takes action. He invites her to go away alone together:

“Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me.” (Song of Songs 2:10–13)