Life as I defined it vanished. Reality no longer existed. Dreams died and were buried out of reach. All that remained was one large, black hole with a huge question mark in the middle.

Amazingly void of emotion, all I remember were my legs shaking. As I tried to get my brain to engage, I sensed God setting the guidelines for me. I heard myself speak in a normal tone, like I was listening to a stranger read a list. Shock is God's wonderful design.

Slowly, the pain seeped in. All I could pray was, "Why?" Still, it was no surprise to God that we were here. He had prepared me for this moment and He was carrying me through it. I knew enough not to make any rash decisions. I waited to hear from God. The first scripture I read was Isaiah 54:5 "The Lord is your husband . . ."

Over the course of the weeks and months that followed, God gently walked me through pain, fear and devastation. It continues to be a slow process, but it's work worth doing. God showed me a great deal about myself, He even answered the "why." He allowed the pain of betrayal to refine me and draw me to Himself. It took something major for me to stop trying to be in control. Thankfully, Dave too is doing the work and our family is stronger.

Both Dave and I have addiction and codependency in our backgrounds. I thought the inevitable could be sidestepped simply by avoiding alcohol. Instead of seeing our unhealthy behaviors and working on my own growth, I spent all my energy looking at the outside--looking for the wrong addiction.

Originally posted in July 2008.


Crosswalk.com welcome's Meg Wilson as the newest contributor to our Marriage channel. Watch for Meg's article next month as she shares more about healing from codependency.

Meg is a regular speaker to women's groups, Bible studies, and conferences. Five years ago she founded the Healing Hearts Ministry to offer help and hope to women whose husbands are caught in the web of sexual addiction. Her book Hope After Betrayel: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage (Kregel Publishers) was released last year. You can visit her website at www.hopeafterbetrayal.com