Mystery and Romance: Does a Christian Marriage Need Them?
- Thursday, February 11, 2010
HD: I think you will find that the majority of men want to be admired. Admired for the work they have done or the money they've brought in. They want to be admired for manly things.
It is really easy for women to admire men for doing feminine things, like, "Oh, I love how you went shopping with me today," or "I love how you cook when we cooked together," but that doesn't really build him up. They like to be admired for their masculinity.
Now, for the men that maybe don't feel like they are really masculine: I've talked to some of them. They say, "I'm not masculine. I'm kind of a computer geek." You still say to them that you admire them for their intelligence, for the things they do, like critical thinking. A male characteristic in the mental areas is singular thinking. Men can really focus. That is something a woman can admire about men, where we [women] can be multitasking.
CW: In Christian circles, marriage is often talked about in terms of sacrifice and not in terms of romantic feelings. How would you respond to that?
HD: The number one goal of marriage is sanctification. I think that is an amazing goal -- to be made more like Christ. Who would argue that is not a fantastic goal? Now the process of it is painful. It is very painful to have somebody say, you know what you just did? That was a sin. But I think that there is still, almost in our DNA as women, this desire for romance.
True romance, I think, is really the call on our heart. True romance is a romance that really was made for the Creator. The amazing things God does in our lives, the interaction we can have with Him just walking out and looking at mountains, seeing thunder or lightening, is breathtaking. I think God is the essence of the romance that we crave.
We try to duplicate it in our human relationships, because we have this idea that love is a feeling. I think we lie to ourselves and believe that marriage should make us feel a certain way every day. That is a great deception from the enemy. Scripture never commands us to feel anything. Nor does it really ask us to seek out any kind of feeling other than joy, which comes from God every time.
CW: But there can be romance in your marriage as well?
HD: Most definitely. I think that the more you are able to take your responsibility off your husband to make you happy, the happier you become.
I believe that every man wants his woman to be happy. I think that's really his number one goal. Because if he has a happy wife, it tells his masculine heart he has accomplished what he was supposed to do. And men are about goals. If a woman isn't happy about something that happened at work, a man feels responsible. That's why he wants to fix it. Or he might get dark and depressed. It's contagious, because he feels like he has failed.
When a woman is happy, suddenly a man thinks he is doing it right. He feels more like a man. He feels more attracted to you. He feels more interested in you. Then romance just kind of springs to life. Where there was none before, he's like, she is turning me on now instead of dragging me down.
I think romance shouldn't be the goal of your marriage; it should be the symptom. In other words, your goal is love and then out of that comes romance, but if your goal is romance, it doesn't ever come to pass. You might have manufactured romance generated by having the perfect setting. By saying, I've got to go to dinner at this place and then go dancing and have the candles. Please have the kids gone. That might be romantic for an hour or two, but then life comes back. The dishes need to be washed, and the kids need you.
CW: If you're comfortable, could you give an example of how these concepts have improved your own marriage?
Recently on Marriage
Have something to say about this article? Leave your comment via Facebook below!
Listen to Your Favorite Pastors
Add Crosswalk.com content to your siteBrowse available content