How Can I Set Healthy Boundaries for My Teen?
- Thursday, January 03, 2008
Consider the letter I received just the other day…
Saturday night our 15-year old son informed us he felt guilty because he has been smoking pot and lying about it for the last six months. He confessed to our Assistant Pastor, whom he respects, and who encouraged our son to tell us. As you can well imagine, this has been quite a blow. My heart has been broken. I can’t stop crying. I never, ever thought I’d go down this road with him. We agree our son needs discipline, but I fear my husband will be too harsh, and it will cause my son to further rebel. What is the right thing to do here?
Troubled… D.O. –California
You might be dealing with just an ice cube, or you might have just touched on the tip of the iceberg. Until you dive in, you won’t be able to tell the difference between the two. In the first place, try to remain calm. You have many things working in your favor in dealing with your son, such as:
- He confessed, so you didn’t have to “find it out” or make any “new discoveries.”
- He said he feels guilty about what he was doing.
- He respects someone outside the family and felt comfortable telling them, and then you.
- He’s been grounded in scriptural principles regarding his character.
It is good that you are trying to get a handle on the issue. And you are wise to carefully consider the discipline that you are about to take. But, before you take the plunge, here’s something to think about. Sometimes parents are quick to hand out discipline or punishment — like grounding, extraction from social interaction, or taking away privileges or possessions. Discipline is good, but taking away something won’t always solve the problem entirely. It is only half of the solution for a teenager, who wants to also be treated more like an adult, not a child.
Remember that smoking pot may be an attempt to numb the hurt he feels. When he is using such drugs, the hurt temporarily goes away. Don’t add to those hurts by going overboard with the disciplines you hand down or by telling him how disappointed you are in him. Fortifying your household boundaries, adding some new healthy boundaries, and strengthening your relationship will provide better results.
Boundaries are simply limits set around behavior to try to change the direction a child is going. They define what you will and won’t accept, and should come from what you believe is right for your teen at this stage in his life and for your family.
Boundaries include what your son already knows, what you’ve taught him all his life, and they are why he is feeling guilty about smoking pot. But sometimes teens get confused by which boundaries are “childhood” boundaries and which are lifelong boundaries. For instance, holding mom’s hand as you walk across the street is a childhood boundary. Avoiding illigal or immoral activity is a lifelong boundary. The goal, then, is to make it clear to your teen which boundaries are now appropriate for him, according to the values you hold dear and just common sense (you may have noticed that teens don’t always have a lot of common sense).
Some healthy new boundaries could also include requiring your son to meet regularly with your Assistant Pastor, the one that he respects. Call and ask if that person is willing to meet your son for the next six weeks in order to talk through any underlying issues that are fueling his behavior or the feelings that led him to try pot in the first place. Tell your son you expect him to participate fully, and that during this time you will limit his other activities and contact with friends, specifically those that encouraged smoking pot.
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