By the grace of God I have been spared the heartbreak of divorce in my own marriage. I have counseled and consoled many who have suffered the agony of divorce. It is never easy. It is particularly difficult when children are in the equation. I wrote a blog about the myth of the “good divorce” earlier. A bit of background if you don’t know the story that is currently in the news. A very frustrated Alec Baldwin apparently made an effort to call his daughter at a particular time to talk. When she did not answer the phone Baldwin lost his temper and left an angry and unfortunate diatribe on the voicemail. Baldwin called his daughter a “rude, thoughtless little pig” during his angry outburst.
At his website the actor apologized for the angry message. Regular readers of these ramblings know that I have a consistent theme when it comes to apologies or asking forgiveness. Leave your “but” out of it. Perhaps it is necessary to offer mitigating factors as an excuse when you are a celebrity. Baldwin felt that he had to explain his anger. “I am sorry for losing my temper with my child.” So far, so good. “But I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years". That changes the apology from I am sorry to not my fault. And that is the message that the child hears.
He also said he was "most saddened... because of what it does to a child" that the voicemail message appeared on celebrity websites. I have no insight into the personal situation between Baldwin and Bassinger. I do suspect that the message appearing on celebrity websites is not nearly as damaging as hearing words like that from your Dad.
I have said some mean things to my sons when I was angry. Fortunately it does not make news when a middling selling author gets angry. I regret every single word spoken in anger to them. I spent a lot of time saying “I’m sorry” and “please forgive me”. I hope I did not cancel my apology with excuses.
Nearly every parent in a custody battle says it is about the child. Too often the words and actions say otherwise. Again, my quoting of Baldwin is not to condemn him but to make a broader point. Baldwin's statement said: "Everyone who knows me privately knows that I have endured a great deal over the last several years in my custody litigation."
The message is that this is a whole lot about him. I would suggest that the child has endured the most in this litigation because she does not have the maturity or experience to process it. When a child is born it is no longer about you. It is (or should be) about the nurturing of that child.
Scripture has much wisdom about the father’s role in molding a child to fulfill their unique design. Too often the only biblical truth communicated is the discipline verses. And I do believe that loving discipline is a must. We are quick to remind our kids that they are to “honor” their father and mother. But we conveniently overlook the verse that follows:
Fathers, don't exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master. (Eph 6 – The Message)
It is quite a bit easier to “honor” a Dad who takes a child by the hand and teaches them about the love and grace of Jesus. Paul later reminds the fathers in Colossae about how to treat their children.
