Pull Out All the Stops to Help Your Teen
- Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Step Three: Establish and Enforce Consequences
Once boundaries are in place, there must be reasonable consequences for inappropriate behavior, and they must be enforced, or your credibility goes right out the window. And keep in mind that they must be enforced for all members of the family, not just your teen, so they don't feel singled out.
Parents today tend to be so relational that they find it hard to send a strong message to "not go this way" for fear of losing their relationship. But what most parents don't understand is that kids do want direction, correction and help in moving through the transition to adulthood. Tom Landry once said, "A coach makes people do things they don't want to do so they can get to a place where they do want to be." Parents must do the same for their children.
Step Four: Get Outside Help
"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever." — Chinese Proverb
Perhaps your child's issues are deeper and they'll need professional counseling or medication to get through it. And maybe you'll need counseling to get through it as well. Find a good Christian counselor that specializes in teen behavior, and trust what they recommend. If you're going to pick and choose the counsel you receive, then you'll more than likely just continue to do what you want, and your child will continue to spin out of control. Don't let old beliefs about medicine control your new decisions that have to be made for your child. If your child is depressed or anxious, has ADD, or OCD, can't sleep at night, is bi-polar, or has a true mental condition that demands medication, don't let your outdated boundaries prevent your child from getting help from something that is essential to their well being.
Hospitalization may even be needed if you feel that your child is a danger to himself or herself. Extreme cutting, eating disorders, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol abuse are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization. Don't hesitate to hospitalize your child just because you don't know what it is. It's better to be safe than sorry.
When Nothing is Working
In the event that your teen is running away or otherwise hitting bottom, and counseling is going nowhere, you may need to place your teen in a therapeutic program outside of your home for a time. This is not the time to spend mulling over where your parenting has gone wrong. It's time for action, when your child could damage his life and possibly make choices with grave consequences. After you've had time to get good counsel (hopefully from quite a few people) and you've had some time to think it through, start to put an intervention plan into action.
A therapeutic program or facility away from home will get them away from their peers, drugs and other influences. It will give the whole family a time of rest and regrouping. It will offer the teen a fresh perspective and a concentrated, focused way of dealing with their issues. Yes, it's a "last ditch" effort, to be initiated when all other options and attempts to help your child have been exhausted, but for some kids, it can be a lifesaver. Over the past 20 years, some 3,000 kids have come to live with us at Heartlight (http://www.heartlightministries.org) for 9-12 months at a time. We daily work with them in a relational way to change their thinking and ambitions to more positive pursuits.
All therapeutic programs are not the same, and there is very little regulation or standards in therapeutic care for youth. So do your homework. Check out each program's professional references. Call the local Better Business Bureau to see if there have been any complaints. Get a list and call the parents who have had their child in the program recently. If the program won't allow you to call parents, then that may be a sign to look elsewhere. And make sure the list they supply is made up of real parents, not just people trained to convince you to enroll in that program.
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