War: The Five Best/Worst Things You Can Say To Your Children
- Wednesday, February 26, 2003
The Five Best
1. "What have you been hearing about the war?"
Ask your children questions. Begin a dialogue by showing an interest in your child's thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Ask him what he has heard at school. Ask what his friends think. Ask what he has heard on the news. Ask if he has questions.
Then listen to your child's answers. Ask clarifying questions. Why do you think that? How do you think that happened? What do you think will happen next? Show an interest in your child's opinion and it won't be long before you hear, "What do you think, dad?"
2. "You can only watch TV for 30 minutes and I want to be present."
War on TV can be graphic. Viewers and parents beware. In addition, seeing real human beings killed with the precision and repetition of a video game can have a numbing effect on children.
War is not a game. Neither is it a sixty-minute drama interlaced with commercials. The war related TV children watch needs to be highly regulated and supervised. Turn the TV off after the news coverage and debrief. Dialogue about what was just seen and heard. Processes the material presented and help your children make meaning of this serious material.
3. "What do you suppose it looks like from the other side?"
This question is parent talk that helps children learn about perspective. It helps them learn to see things from both sides of an issue and develop empathy as well.
"What do you suppose it looks like from the other side?" is a question that asks our children to shift perception, to put themselves in another person's shoes, to see how a situation looks from a different point of view. It broadens their perspective and develops their ability to see several sides of an issue simultaneously.
4. "I don't know what will happen, but I know we'll be able to handle it."
When children get scared, adults often make what they think are reassuring promises. They say, "Everything will be okay," or "Nothing will happen to us. I can tell you that." These promised do not tell children the truth. We do not know everything will be okay. We do not know for sure that nothing will happen to us. Not anymore!
Tell your children the truth, "I do not know what will happen, but I know we can handle it." What you are really communicating to your child here is confidence. This style of parent talk says, "I am confident we can handle whatever comes our way. If we have to ration, we can handle it. If the price of gas doubles or triples, we can handle it. If the economy nosedives, we can handle it.
5. "I understand how you could feel that way."
There is strong emotion generated in this country concerning war. We have hawks and doves, peace marchers and war advocates. There is debate and disagreement in the Congress. Marriage partners are often split on this issue. It is highly possible that one of your children holds beliefs about war that differ from yours. When these differences are expressed, effective parent talk would include, "I understand how you could feel that way."
"I understand how you could feel that way," does not say you agree with your child. It does not say you share their beliefs or their feelings. It demonstrates and communicates understanding, an understanding of how they could arrive at that conclusion. It is filled with respect for differences and honors diversity.
The Five Worst
1."God is on our side."
God doesn't take sides. To tell children God loves us more that He loves them is untrue. "God is on our side," is parent talk that helps our children develop false beliefs that only good things can happen to us because God plays on our team. When you say this to your children you equip them with a false sense of superiority.
Feelings of superiority lead to a belief in "better than." "Better than" breeds an "us vs. them" mentality that encourages conflict, dissention, and strife.
2. "We are right and they are wrong."
No one does anything wrong considering their view of the world. Human beings do horrible things only because they believe they are right. Their side is doing what they do because they think they are right. Our side is doing what we do because we think we are right.
Being right doesn't work. Making people wrong doesn't work. Speak to your children of differences. Let them know what is similar and what is different about the beliefs, values, morals and cultures. But do it without making others wrong.
3. "There is nothing you can do."
When you say these words to your child you tell her, "You are small, insignificant, and have no power." You teach her that she is at the mercy of her environment and that she has no influence over the events of her life. You are teaching her to play her life from the victim position
Ask instead, "What do you think we can do about this?" Help her brainstorm possible actions that can be taken. Couldn't she donate part of her allowance to the Red Cross? Could she write a letter to a serviceman or woman? How about making a poster, saying a prayer, putting a bow on a tree, or designing a T-shirt?
Tell your child, "You always have more choices than you think you have," and help her develop an "I can" stance towards life. One of the best ways to come to believe "I can do something" is simply to go out and do something.
4. "You don't know what you are talking about."
Would you ever say to your child, "You're really stupid. You're so young and inexperienced you couldn't possibly know anything. You need to live as long as I have and then you'll be worthy of having an opinion." Probably not. But when you say, "You don't know what you are talking about," you have sent him a similar message.
Of course we have more years of experience than our children. Absolutely, we have seen and heard things that they don't yet begin to grasp. But that doesn't mean we can't respect the opinion of our 8 year old or that of our 13 year old.
Listen to your child. Demonstrate your understanding of their views by reflecting it back to them with a paraphrase. Model for them a mature adult who can respect differences as well as contrary opinions.
5. "There is nothing to worry about."
Children worry. They get scared. They have strong feelings about war, terrorism, and death. To tell they have nothing to worry about is to ask them to numb out their feelings, push them down, and pretend they don't exist.
In times of strong emotion children needs support. They need adults in their lives who help them work through their feelings in safe ways. To help your emotion-laden child, use words that help him identify his feelings. Say, "You sound worried," or "I hear how scared you are," to demonstrate you are listening at a feeling level. Say, "So you are afraid we might be injured," to demonstrate that his feelings will be acknowledged.
It is only after emotions are expressed that children are able to handle the concerns that relate to those feelings. Be a parent who encourages you child to express his emotions.
Chick Moorman is the author of "Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility," now available in paperback; Simon and Schuster, a Fireside Original. He publishes free E-newsletters for parents and educators. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org to get your free subscription to one or both newsletters. Information on seminars and products is available by clicking here.
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