The darkened cloud that confuses me is there because I expected to be married by now—though this was not promised to me.  The truth is that I expected to be married by now.  Since I am not my mind conceives that I must have done something wrong, that I am being punished, and that time is my enemy.  But nothing, NOTHING is that simple.  If we are seeking first His kingdom then it is His business to add “all these things” (Matthew 6:33).  And the reasons behind the pain we know must be considered in light of His love for us.

It is hard to say to what degree the desire for a relationship and the setback of failed relationships have affected my self-concept. At times there exists a cavernous space between the way I feel and what is real.  Sometimes the line is so blurred I can hardly perceive the difference.  This is the penalty of time.  That very fertile heart in which hope once grew so wild has, over time, suffered drought.  I am sometimes scared to hope, to believe that the longing will ever be fulfilled.  But, while God has not promised me a wife, He is a good God, a merciful Lord who loves me.  It is He in whom I hope and to Him I bring my tears.

Time is not our enemy and waiting is not punishment.  In fact, the more time that passes the more I become certain that I cannot give up.  How could I give up when I have waited so long.  Who knows, perhaps the green pastures, in which He means to lay me down, is just over the next hill.  I have not come this far and waited this long only to stop short or give up.

At times, the reality of disappointment weighs on me, whispers defeat but I have not lost hope.  I live a life that is not focused on finding a wife, but on serving my God.  And yet I hope someday to feed the hunger, to ease the pain.  If I stop here, if I listen to the voices—then time will judge me and I will have my punishment.

Hudson Russell Davis was born on a small Island in the West Indies called Dominica, and this is only one reason he does not like cold weather and loves guava.  He is a graduate of James Madison University with a B.A. in Graphic Design and earned a Masters in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary.  Currently he is a Ph.D. candidate at Saint Louis University studying historical theology.  Hudson has worked as a graphic artist and worship leader but expresses himself through poetry, prose, photography, and music. His activities are just about anything outdoors, but tennis is his current passion.

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