He Said-She Said: A Lack of Attraction and Pursuit
- Thursday, January 28, 2010
In contrast, prior to your weight loss, your friend may have felt more comfortable with you and your relationship because you shared something in common. When you were both overweight, it may not have been something he worried about. Now that you have lost weight, he is forced to "look at himself in the mirror" and may be feeling self-conscious and lack self-esteem about himself, around you and in your relationship.
From a Crosswalk.com article titled, "Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone," I wrote, "Most of the contestants (of The Biggest Loser) did not become obese by eating right and exercising, they became that way by becoming complacent and accepting their way of life."
For the waywardness of the naive will kill them. And the complacency of fools will destroy them (Proverbs 1:32).
Many of us live for years growing accustomed to our habits, our idiosyncrasies, even our sins by becoming complacent and accepting it as our way of life. We tend to not even notice them unless they are brought into the light.
Your friend may have become this way about his weight. Your resolve to change your life has possibly shown the light on his overweight issue.
In every situation, we have an opportunity to feed into a person's life positively or negatively and we can leave the situation better than when we arrived or worse.
I can't tell you how to proceed with your relationship, but I can encourage you to take a moment to envision what he may be going through and to remember one of the reasons why you were attracted to him—his godly character. Communicate your feelings with him and ask him why he seems to be pulling away from you. Honest communication is the foundation of a successful relationship.
SHE SAID: I enjoyed reading your questions. In fact, I printed them out and then highlighted several phrases and sentences, as it helped me to find some answers (or at least food for thought for you) within your inquiry.
It sounds like this might ultimately be a question of timing. As you have indicated, neither you nor your friend are at your ideal weights. But he is not as far along as you are in making progress toward an end goal. That could possibly mean that his self-confidence is not on par with yours right now which could potentially speak to his actions (or lack thereof).
He is not now pursuing you (at least in the manner in which you would like), and you are ready to be pursued. This could be a matter of your friend not feeling good about himself yet (weight), and he is not ready to make a move. Or it's also possible that he just may not be attracted to you (and perhaps never has been [unless he has revealed his feelings to you, which you have not indicated], at least not enough to cause him to pursue you for more than a friendship). Or he could just not be ready for the commitment required in a serious dating relationship or for marriage (even though you've said that you are).
Regardless of what he is thinking/feeling, it sounds as if you two have established a solid friendship. That is good. Many marriages are birthed from friendships that at some point take a romantic turn.
The fly in the ointment appears to be your attraction to him. You are not as physically attracted to him as you think you should be in order to see him as someone you would want to date or marry (outward attraction is an important component in a romantic relationship and should be considered). But it sounds like you are attracted to who he is on the inside: character, personality, faith, etc. With time, it is possible for outward attraction to grow. I wonder if he was pursuing you right now (in the way in which you would like and have been pursued by other men), if this would cause you to see him differently (outwardly) and change your attraction to him. Maybe "weight" is not even the obstacle here. Just a thought and something to explore further.
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