He Said-She Said: A Lack of Attraction and Pursuit
- Thursday, January 28, 2010
So ... "how to move forward." If your heart is not engaged beyond friendship, then you should be able to remain friends and not expect him to pursue you for more than that. Period. However, if your heart is engaged beyond more than friendship (and despite your not thinking he's "very attractive"), then you need to take precautions to guard it (Proverbs 4:23).
You might just be plain ol' confused about your feelings for him. There certainly seems to be some conflict going on here in regards to how you see him (or want to see him). If I were in this situation, I would take a break from the friendship for a while so that you can clear your head and determine how you really feel about your friend. Spending a lot of time doing life together can sometimes cloud over what is really going on with expectations and intent (for both of you).
See how you feel after spending some time apart (perhaps a month?), and then make some decisions on how to move forward. Can you still be in a friendship with him? Do you only want to be in a friendship with him? Or do you find that you really are attracted to him (inside and out) for more than friendship? And if so, what happens if he doesn't full-on pursue you?
Either way, know that if you stay in a friendship with him which involves you spending lots of time together and going out on a casual date here and there, you may be sending a message to other potential male suitors that you are "taken" or locked into a relationship with someone else. And if that's not want you want to convey to others, then you also need to reconsider the boundaries of your relationship with your friend and make sure it does not to appear to be a "dating relationship."
It's also possible that both of you are getting your emotional needs met in one another right now and could have connected too deeply (or inappropriately) for a friendship between a man and a woman. I think you'll know after a short break from one another.
Time away from any situation usually brings about clarity and a more accurate read on what you really want and need in a particular relationship. You may find that perhaps this friend cannot be what you want right now. Many times, we can fall into the trap of unrealistic expectations. I'm not saying that that is where you are, but at least think about that and see if maybe you've got one foot in and the other just a banana peel away. Also, with time and with some changes made in his life, perhaps your friend can and will be the man who is right for you. Wait and see.
In the meantime, use your alone time wisely as you contemplate and seek direction for your own life and what steps the Lord is leading you to take (Proverbs 19:21)—whether that be toward one another (in a mutually agreed upon, clearly-defined dating capacity) or to a more appropriate distance away from your friend for any emotional disengagement that needs to happen for a healthy friendship.
... in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you ... (Matthew 7:12).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is … Laura MacCorkle, Senior Editor at Crosswalk.com. She loves God, her family and her friends. Singleness has taught her patience, deepened her walk with the Lord and afforded her countless (who's counting anyway?) opportunities to whip up an amazing three-course meal for one.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the 21st century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately (we think they sound eerily similar sometimes, too!).
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to living the single life, PLEASE SUBMIT HERE (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that He Said-She Said will be an encouragement to you.
**This column first published on January 28, 2010.
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