He Said-She Said: Fighting Over a Man
- Thursday, March 05, 2009
EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to singleness, please CLICK HERE to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: A younger guy, who is chasing me, has an admirer who happens to be his friend and she often tries to hinder me from being too close with him. It's very sad that this happens in church. She make things look like she is fighting over the guy with me. I hate this kind of situation; it makes me so uncomfortable. How should I face this kind of situation?
HE SAID: Now why don’t more singles take part in a church’s singles group???
A church is a place to worship with fellow believers and grow in your faith in God. The church is the body of believers who represent the Body of Christ on earth and through the Body we are to accomplish the Lord’s work.
Instead of representing Christ in our lives, many times our relationships within the church do not look very different to those outside of it. Is it any wonder why non-believers don’t show more interested in church or the church?
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another (John 13:34).
First of all, let me share with you some male tendencies I have noticed. (Disclaimer: This may not apply to every guy out there.)
- We are sometimes blind to those who may be “paying attention” to us.
- If we do know someone is attracted to us and we are not to them, we will not necessarily take the initiative to tell that person.
- We may at times be construed as leading women on by being “good friends,” not realizing our actions speak differently to a woman who is interested.
I understand this may make us (me) sound oblivious or unaware, although it is not intentional (at least in my case). However, in understanding this, you may be able to guard yourself or make your intentions better known.
Secondly, in most single male-female friendships, one person or the other thinks (or hopes) the friendship has a chance of becoming serious some time during the relationship. This could very well be the situation the other girl is in. She has been friends with this guy for awhile and may have been praying they would eventually start dating. Now she sees you as a threat to her hopes (and dreams), and is starting a confrontation.
There are two paths you can choose. By taking the high road and approaching it out of respect to him (letting him know your feelings), and concern for her (not getting hurt, although she may already be), you will be acting out of love and grace.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you ( Ephesians 4:32).
With this in mind, it would be wise for you to sit down with your friend and explain to him the circumstance. He may not even realize what is going on around him or he may be enjoying the attention of two women. In any event, be honest with your feelings, confirm his intentions, and share how his friend is making you feel.
This will also be an opportunity for this younger guy to step up and show his maturity in how he receives your words and takes action. It will not be easy for him, you or her, especially within your singles group. However, if it is handled in Christ’s love and not out of worldly envy or jealousy, the three of you can maintain a (civil) friendship within your group.
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