He Said-She Said: Inappropriate Relationships
- Thursday, May 27, 2010
EDITOR'S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness, please click here to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I met this girl about one and a half years ago. She literally blew me away the first time I saw her, but when I got to talk to her and tell her my intentions she told me she was already in a relationship. We are both born-again Christians. When she told me about her relationship, I was stubborn at first, acting contrary to my Maker and though I did not continue to strongly pursue her we remained close friends.
The problem is we always got ourselves into compromising situations and though we didn't have sex, we have kissed and caressed. Even though she insists that she loves her boyfriend and has no feelings for me, she's usually the main architect of these situations.
I have tried to explain to her that not only does this compromise our Christianity but these situations only make my feelings grow deeper, and yet I would hope to have a strictly platonic relationship with her as I search for that lady that God has prepared for me.
I have decided to take time off from her and hopefully kill my feelings as I work on myself to be whole, as I believe they are issues I need to deal with in my life.
I have four questions:
Is a strictly God-pleasing, platonic relationship possible with someone you've had feelings for in the past? I really don't feel that I should be friends with this person ever again, because I believe she's not been honest and open with me yet she claims to be my friend.
Is she a "player," leading me on, giving me all these signals and yet says she has no feelings for me?
I sometimes feel guilty that I am abandoning her at this time when she had shared with me something traumatic in her, a past of which I believe God used me to reach out to her through a Joyce Meyer book I bought her over Christmas.
There is this other friend I have known for a while whose values I really admire as a Christian and who was interested in me a while back. We are in contact. Should I wait for my feelings for the other lady to subside before I seriously pursue her? I wouldn't want to rush into anything. Please help me out.
HE SAID: I appreciate your sharing your situation and asking honest questions. Unfortunately, what you are struggling with is not a unique circumstance. Many of us find something or somebody we desire, and although we know it is not godly or righteous, we dabble with or justify it only to fall victim to it sooner or later. Whether it leads to a public acknowledgment or a personal degradation of our walk, unrighteous behavior no matter who "initiates" it will affect us and our effectiveness for God.
King David's story with Bathsheba is the epitome of a person who allowed himself to be allured into a situation which he knew was immoral. As a result, many misguided (and ungodly) decisions followed and he fell deeper into disobedience.
Joseph should be our illustration of how to take action in a compromising situation—run! There was no discussion, no justification, just immediate and decisive action.
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