He Said-She Said: Involvement with Married People
- Thursday, March 31, 2011
Many of us face similar decisions. We come across things in our lives that perk our interest, like a close relationship with people who are not like-minded or who are in a relationship with someone else, and we are tempted to reach for something we shouldn’t have (or at least not at that moment).
With every temptation or compromising situation we face, God’s Word says, “He will provide a way out,” but it’s up to us to look for and choose to accept his way out. Sometimes we don’t find one because we don’t bother to look for one.
My question to each of you and to anyone else in a similar circumstance is, “How would you feel about your significant other carrying on with another person in the same way they’re speaking to you?” If you think it would be inappropriate, then it probably is.
Regardless of how much you want someone to change or change something, don’t allow them to do it for you or because of you. Remove yourself from the situation. If they go ahead and decide on their own to end a relationship or change their faith, then so be it, otherwise you will always be held responsible and blamed for any negative result of that decision.
Suppose this “relationship” did happen to work out (unbelievers became believers, engagements broke off and marriages and separations ended in divorce), could you honestly trust this person not to carry on a relationship with someone else while together with you?
Avoid situations where you find yourself attracted to someone in a covenant with another person, and leave married, separated and engaged couples alone.
SHE SAID: Attraction to and involvement with married people seems to be a growing problem amongst singles as of late.
In my response to these questions, I would ask those who have written the questions to place yourselves in the position of the spouse or fiancée who is linked to the person you are attracted to or are conversing with (each of these situations has its own distinctions). And then ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse was communicating with someone (or still communicating with someone) that he or she had been involved with before marriage (or engagement)?
Then, ask yourself—especially for those who are currently conversing with married people—if your doings or your conversations are being made known to the other spouse. For example, if you’re communicating with a man who you are in love with or are attracted to, does his wife know about this? Is your communication open for her to read or to hear or to know about? Why or why not? If it is hidden and being done “in secret,” then that should tell you something.
When I first read through all of these questions, my initial reaction was to say “Run!” You are playing with fire when you flirt with someone who is married or have more intimate type of communication with them. It is not honorable and it is not done so with respect for and in consideration of their spouses. Again, put yourself in the position of the spouse.
In the first question, the man is engaged. Therefore, he is already promised to someone else. This is not a decision that was made lightly—like checking “yes” or “no” in a grade-school note that asks “Do you like so-and-so? Check yes or no.” No, this is a grown-up decision. But if this man can turn on a dime and change his feelings and affections toward someone else to whom he has committed himself in an engagement, should that not give you pause and make you think he could easily do that to you someday (should he break off his engagement and you two get together and eventually marry?). You must consider this perspective. And you must respect the fact that he is already in a relationship with someone else. If your feelings are still strong and unrelenting, then cease communication and any contact with one another for a period of time (perhaps three to six months?). Allow time for each of you to hear clearly from the Lord in this matter—without the confusion of feelings getting in the way which can certainly cloud judgment. And then reassess. As a Christ follower, you should also ask yourself the question you may be tired of hearing: What would Jesus do? Really and truly consider the answer from that perspective. Wouldn’t he do what would be uplifting and edifying and honoring to the Father? (John 6:38) Ponder on what that might look like.
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