He Said-She Said: Involvement with Married People
- Thursday, March 31, 2011
In the second question, I understand that your situation presents the challenge of a small setting. I know that I, too, have been attracted to someone who is married, but in my case it was in an office setting. I’m sure it’s probably more common than we know (or than people are willing to admit). But I also don’t think there is anything wrong with appreciating and admiring God’s creation—whether that be in regards to beauty or the character of another. It’s how we act on it that is of utmost importance. So in my situation, what did I do? I made sure that I was never alone with this individual, either in an office or in the kitchen or in a conference room or on a lunch outing. I didn’t seek out this person for conversation either. I was pleasant, but I set up a boundary to protect myself and to honor his status as a married individual. You simply MUST set up boundaries in your situation as well, if you do not want to be tempted to do something you should not. Potential danger calls for sometimes drastic, protective measures ("Get behind me, Satan!"—Matt. 16:23). So protect yourself. Ask a trusted friend to always sit with you at church or to always walk beside you in the hallways so that you are not alone. You can still be cordial; just don’t invite extra communication or time together (even in a group setting such as a church service).
In the third question, you simply must walk away. Now. Do you want to be a part of an emotional affair? You are either very close to one or may even be in the middle of one right now. If you are, then you are robbing this man’s wife of the conversations and the emotional exchanges that he should be having with her. Not with someone who is not his spouse. Period. He has made his decision. And it was not you. If he loved you as he should in order to marry you, then wouldn’t he have chosen you? I am sorry to sound harsh, but you must be very strict with yourself if you don’t want to fall into sin. It’s as simple as that. And should God desire you to marry one day, then he will work in that man’s heart to choose you boldly and without reservation.
In the fourth question, the man is still married. You would be dating a married man if you went out with him. That is adultery. Also, if you went ahead and began dating this man, you are in essence saying (or assuming) that God cannot repair and revive and resuscitate this marriage and that it is too late (by your estimation). But there is still hope! The divorce is not yet final. Could not God work a miracle in this situation? Would you not want this marriage to be saved so that these two individuals might glorify God with their union and be a testimony of what God can do in a relationship that seems doomed? I think you know the answer.
Seeing this many questions (and this is only a sampling of what we’ve received) related to married or “already taken” individuals is very troubling. Marriage and commitments are to be respected and honored. We are to love one another sacrificially (Jn. 13:34) and to honor one another above ourselves (Rom. 12:10). We are not designed to break up marriages or relationships, cause disunity or draw others away from Christ by careless words, actions or decisions.
So today, before you initiate or have any further contact, before you engage in or respond to any communication, before you are in the same room or face to face with the individual in question, consider your thoughts and your desires and your actions in light of the kingdom. Is it true? Is it noble? Is it right? Is it pure? Is it lovely? Is it admirable, excellent or praiseworthy? Think about such things (Phil. 4:8).
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