He Said-She Said: Is This Behavior Inappropriate?
- Thursday, June 30, 2011
I know of no therapist or counselor who calls a person who he or she is counseling on a daily basis. And I know of no pastor who calls a person in church leadership or a board member on a daily basis.
Also, if the pastor is that concerned about your fiancée and her emotional needs and feels that she needs prayer or counseling or communication on a daily basis, then why has he not referred her to a therapist or psychiatric professional? That kind of frequency in attention could be headed toward the level of “clinical care” and would make me think that your fiancée needs to be seen by someone who is trained and schooled to deal with whatever issues for which the pastor seems to think she needs such frequent counseling and prayer.
Furthermore, if she is that fragile that she must be communicated with or monitored on a daily basis, then how has the pastor determined that is she able to handle the great responsibilities and objective decision making that come with church leadership and being a board member?
Do you see where I’m going with this? I’m just trying to unravel this ball of yarn that seems to have been winding and winding and growing larger and larger over the past twelve years. What is all this outward behavior wrapping itself around?
Have you consulted with your fiancée and asked her if she has feelings for the pastor that are beyond what one sister in Christ should feel for another brother in Christ? Have you confronted the pastor with the same type of question? Is the fact that you are upset and hurt by this frequency and privacy of their communication—and the fact that the trust in your relationship with your fiancée has been weakened—something that you have discussed with your fiancée or the pastor? If so, what are their responses?
As you will one day be the husband and your fiancée will be the wife, you will be the one who will be (and should be) your wife’s closest confidante. In fact, you should already be moving into that position now during your engagement. This is not to say there is never a need for counseling or prayer with a therapist or a pastor. But your wife should come to you first with her deepest needs and most intimate confessions.
One practical tip I would suggest to you (especially if your fiancée or the pastor are not seeing what you are seeing in regards to their relationship) is that you would ask to be on a 3-way phone call with them each time the pastor is counseling and praying with your fiancée. What would be the harm of you joining in the phone sessions so that you can grow closer to your fiancée and know her better and lovingly support her in her progress? If there is protest, then you should investigate further and perhaps even pause your engagement—or at the very least extend it—until the matter is resolved and your trust with your fiancée has been restored.
Love does no harm to its neighbor (Rom. 13:10).
If your fiancée or the pastor know that seeds of distrust have been planted in your mind as a result of their daily communication, would they not make some changes so as to assure you that their communication and friendship/relationship is honorable and above reproach? I think so. If they are both seeking to love you as a brother in Christ, then they should want to make sure that their actions are not bringing harm to you or your relationship with your fiancée.
Whatever is hurting you or bothering you, should be carefully considered by your fiancée (and the pastor). You will soon be one with your fiancée (Gen. 2:24), and that means you will really bear each other’s burdens more than you are doing even now. Also, if she does not show respect for you or give high regard to your feelings now before you are married, does that mean she will after you are husband and wife?
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