He Said-She Said: What's Wrong with Me?
- Thursday, December 24, 2009
EDITOR'S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness, please click here to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I am 28 years old and have never been asked out. I have been set up on one blind date before, but never a date that is initiated by a guy. I am starting to ask myself, "What's wrong with me?" I try to be pleasant and smile. I understand that the guy should do the pursuing, but what does it mean when "no one" is pursuing? I would just like to know what I'm doing wrong.
HE SAID: First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. You are thoughtfully and wonderfully made in God's image. I understand hearing this may not bring you any solace, but he knows about and appreciates your desires, he loves you and wants the absolute best for you, and you are not alone.
There are over 100 million single women in the world and I can surmise there may be thousands who have not been asked out on a date before, of which I know a few. This too may not relieve the hurt and emptiness you may be experiencing, however God does understand what you are going through.
You ask, "What does it mean when 'no one' is pursuing?"
There may be a number of possibilities—the guys you meet may not want to date at this time (as per 1 corinthians 7:27), they may be afraid to ask you out (which happens frequently), they may not be attracted to you (which isn't necessarily a reflection upon you), you may not have made yourself available enough (by getting out and meeting people) or God may be protecting you (both emotionally and physically).
I don't have the answer for and won't make any excuses why guys aren't taking the initiative to ask you out nor can I understand why there are so many fantastic godly women who go "un-dated." However, there is only one thing you have control over in a relationship (or desired relationship)—yourself.
You can seek areas in your life that need attention and ways to better prepare yourself for a relationship when the time comes. Pursue interests, endeavors and activities that you won't have the opportunity to do if you were in a relationship. Reach out to others and serve their needs rather than focusing on your own. Through this you may discover something about yourself and in the process be brought alongside a man who shares your interests. God does have our best interest in mind.
"I will make him a helper suitable for him" (
Oftentimes, when it seems as if nothing I do, plan or want seems to work (according to my desires), I realize my time with God has diminished or I am not focusing enough on him and his desires for me. God may just be trying to get your attention because he wants "more" of you in this season of your life.
There are so many lessons we can learn each day when we open ourselves up to him and to those things he wants to teach us. Rarely does a day go by when I don't experience one of those "only could have been God" moments in my life, but I have to purposely and deliberately be looking and listening in order to do so.
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