He Said-She Said: What's Wrong with Me?
- Thursday, December 24, 2009
Our human perspective of life is often flawed. We view it from a fallen world and rarely understand and are unable to comprehend how God is using each event and person in our lives to piece together who we are to become and thus who would be best for us.
We may never know why a person we are attracted to isn't attracted to us, why when everything seems to be perfect with a relationship it isn't, or why somebody else always seems to have all of the dates. Nor should we be consumed with the thought. If our attention is on who or what we want rather than on God's desire for us, we will miss out on hearing his best for us.
Pursue God and he will provide someone he created you for who will pursue you.
SHE SAID: Oh, my heart goes out to you—as I'm sure do those of many of our female readers. We have all experienced feelings like this of insecurity, of discouragement, of loneliness and of frustration when no one chooses us or seems to take notice.
Whether we like it or not, as women, our sense of worth seems to come primarily from the men in our lives. Right or wrong (mostly wrong!), we look to them for validation that we are lovely. And even if you're not dating anyone or being pursued by someone, you can identify via your relationship with your earthly father. Were you or are you adored by him? If not, perhaps there is another paternal male figure (an older brother, uncle, pastor, teacher, etc.) in your life who has taken interest in you and shown you his care, concern or love for you. How did it make you feel?
When you are cherished and desired—when you feel like someone has stamped you with "You are special to me!"—then you glow. You just do. Who doesn't want to feel like the object of someone's eye? Who doesn't want to know that they hold a special place in another's heart? Who doesn't want to feel that kind of security? I know I do.
But back to your question. ... My short and honest answer is this: I don't know what it means that you're not being asked out, I don't know what you're doing wrong and I'm not going to speculate. Believe me, I've asked myself this question many times before. In a dry season—whether it be short or life-long—it is difficult not to pin our self-worth on who or what is in our lives. And it is difficult to keep our eyes on the unseen instead of on what we can see.
Since we don't have all of the answers (nor do we always ever get them), I think the best and most strategic question that we (females who aren't being pursued) should really be asking is this: What is God asking of me right now in my life and what is he trying to teach me?
And this leads to the issue of trust: trusting that God has a purpose and a plan for your life, beyond your momentary, undesirable circumstances. Beyond you not having dates. Beyond you not being asked out by the cute guy in your Sunday School class. Beyond you not getting noticed because of your godly character or the way you help others. Beyond this ... beyond that ... beyond anything!
When we are stuck in the mire of "why?", we shift our focus and we are not seeing where God wants to take us. We are missing where he wants to lead us so that we can serve him and experience the joy that comes from a heart with desires in tune with God's. We are missing out on the truth that we are already loved and as believers and children of the King we are already special and chosen and precious in God's sight (Psalm 139:13-16).
This may not be what you want to hear right now, and I promise I'm not trying to just throw Scripture your way to band-aid over your frustration and pain. But it really is true. During the times when no one has noticed me, when all of my friends have gotten married and had babies and achieved what I perceived to be "normal" milestones in their lives, when I have seen myself be the last single standing amongst my childhood girlfriends, when I have privately wept in the late hours of the night because of my circumstances, I have had to cling to the promises and Truth found in God's Word. Not the "truth" that the world conveys: that you're nothing if you don't have the affection and attention of a man.
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