He Said-She Said: When "Love" Is Abusive
- Thursday, May 07, 2009
God did not create relationships for us to suffer in, but rather for us to encourage one another through.
Aside from how your boyfriend is responding to you as a person, how are his actions helping you to grow closer to the Lord? If he throws his Christianity out, as you have witnessed, the two of you in a spiritual sense don’t seem to be equally yoked.
You mention he is verbally aggressive, doesn’t want to discuss your feelings and shuns away from deep conversations. He is likely trying to avoid having to face something in his own past or deal with some of his own deficiencies. I wouldn’t be surprised if his anger is not even about you.
In the way he denigrates you, your boyfriend is exhibiting signs of a “controlling” personality, where the “controller” wants you to believe that he is the only person for you because no one else would want you.
There seems to be a lot of unresolved issues in his life. You said he has “temper tantrums.” That term is usually associated with children. What if your boyfriend never wants to come to terms with (or grow out of) his personal and relational limitations? Are you willing to live with him and his deficiencies whether he addresses his issues or not?
Being afraid of a person’s reaction to the truth of your feelings is not a foundation on which to build a relationship.
It is ultimately your choice as to how you want to proceed, however I would suggest you ask (and listen to) God as to what He wants for YOU, evaluate what you want in a relationship and ask yourself if your boyfriend is truly the one who can provide it for you.
SHE SAID: I do not consider myself an alarmist and, in general, do not jump to conclusions too quickly without some time spent contemplating.
However, that being said, when I first read your question I immediately thought to myself, GET OUT! Whether you realize it or not, you are in what sounds like an abusive (mentally, verbally) relationship. And, as I have heard from many friends’ and acquaintances’ stories over the years, physical abuse is a very close cousin and usually soon to follow (if it isn’t already happening in your case).
Keep in mind, again, that I am not a psychologist, a counselor or professionally trained in any capacity to diagnose relationship problems. But I am a fellow believer. Your sister in Christ! A student of life. And a child of the King. As one who is walking with the Lord and strives to daily steep myself in the Truth of God’s Word, I believe that by looking through the eyes of faith—and by the revelation of the Holy Spirit—I am able to see a little closer to the heart of a matter and can hopefully share some insight and give you some food for thought. (And if we were having some coffee and a chat in person, I would give you a hug and lovingly raise these same questions and issues to you).
Right now, I believe you are being shown a very large, nay HUGE, cautionary red flag. This is to advise you that there are possibly even more dangerous situations, arguments and encounters ahead for you in this relationship.
Sometimes it is easier to see something for what it is when you remove yourself from the equation. So try looking at it this way: If you had a daughter who was dating a man like your boyfriend and described to you the scenarios and treatments that you are talking about in your question, what would your response be? Your answer to this question should tell you a lot.
I’m sure you would not want a daughter to be treated in this same manner. You would love and care for her, and you would want someone to treat her as a cherished treasure and a valued individual.
Sometimes we are afraid of being alone and want so badly for a relationship to work that we will turn a blind eye to what should be looked at very carefully. We can excuse away or rationalize to the detriment of getting stuck in a horrible relationship—one that is only destructive and not life-giving.
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