SHE SAID:

First I want to thank you for being so transparent with who you are and some of your background. I am also a never married middle-aged single lady who has not been in a serious relationship in many years. So I can relate to some of your circumstances.

Now regarding this desire and attraction to "lost" men. What is attractive about them? Some qualities are simply attractive in anyone, no matter their spiritual status. They might be kind, gentle, funny, giving and so on. So being attracted to a man, lost or saved, is not a bad thing. Let's explore reasons you might not be attracted to Christian men. Are you in church? Are you involved and serving? Are you a  part of healthy singles group where you would meet and be friends with Christian guys? If my environment was made up solely of things which aren't good for me, I would eventually end choosing it. For example, if you all you have are cupcakes in the house, and no salad, you are going to end up eating cupcakes. Some of this may simply be who you are spending your time with. 

Another thought is that being attracted to "lost" guys could be a way of avoiding being involved with a Christian guy. If you date a Christian, you are being held to a higher standard, as you are supposed to be growing in Christ. If you date a non-Christian, you get to be the "holy" one. How can any guy hold you accountable? Your measuring stick becomes him instead of Christ. If he is your measuring stick, then you will always come out ahead. But then you cease to grow.

So what I am thinking is happening here are some fears. Fears of dating a Christian guy that might end up leading to marriage... to revealing more about who you are, etc. Maybe it's time to be real with God about what you need to change to be more like Christ. Believe me, as you grow, you will desire less and less to be with someone who is not where you are spiritually. The thought of dating someone who does not share your heart for Christ, your hunger to know more, your commitment to serving the Lord, will go away. It's hard enough to make a relationship work when you do know Christ. I can assure you if you date and eventually marry a lost person, your goals, your purpose, your relationship with Christ will not be shared. Marriage is a triangle. As you both grow towards Christ, you both grow towards each other. 

I will be praying that God reveals to you what you need to change so your desires would be to seek a mate with whom you are equally yoked. Not just because God's word says it, but because you desire it as well.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalms 37:3-6

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is … Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is the author of three books: Singles and Relationships: A 31-Day Experiment (co-authored with Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources); From the Manger to the Cross: The Women in Jesus' Life; and the most recent, Jesus, Single Like Me with Study Questions (includes a leader's guide and conference/retreat of the same name).

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately (we think they sound eerily similar sometimes, too!). 

GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to He Said-She Said (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.

Publication date: December 13, 2012