He Said She Said: Sex After Divorce?
- Thursday, April 24, 2014
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I am 30 years old and have been married and divorced twice. I have one son from my first marriage and although I never wanted to be a divorcee, that is where I am for the second time. I've sought God's will for a long time but have chosen my path over his more times than I'd like to admit. I have continued seeking him and have started questioning the motives that drive what I do; I desire him to be the center of my life.
I have been dating someone for 6 months who also has one child from a previous relationship. However, something inside me is unsure if I ever want to marry again, and I'm relatively sure my boyfriend doesn't see marriage in a positive light either. There is a gray area on sex-before-remarriage-after-divorce, because we aren't meant to divorce in the first place. What if my intention is to not marry? Would I need to abstain from sex unless God changed my heart on getting married again? This whole situation has me confused between God's will for me and my own desires. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
I want what God wants for me more than anything because I know that his plans for me are far better than my own, but it seems I've started the course in a way that makes it hard to see the clear path.
Your situation is not unique. According to the 2010 Census, single parents in the United States were nearing 12 million and, unfortunately, that number has been growing for some time.
I understand I am neither divorced nor have children, and although I am not a part of those demographics, I have learned a great deal through my many married (and divorced) friends, ministering to youth of broken homes, and dating single moms.
You say, “There is a gray area on sex-before-remarriage-after-divorce, because we aren't meant to divorce in the first place.”
I disagree there is a “gray area” on this topic. The Bible is pretty clear there should be no sex outside of the bounds of marriage.
"It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman." But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband…Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:1-2, 8-9).
However, your rationale seems to be, since you are both divorced (when you shouldn’t have in the first place), and neither of you are marriage-minded (at this point), why not go ahead and have sex since you’ve already messed up with that whole command anyways?
Our (relational) priorities should be God first, family second, and all the rest to follow. In the case of single parents, the priorities should shift within family to center more towards the child’s well-being over the parent’s desire for a romantic relationship.
As a single parent, I would imagine your focus and impetus would be to provide the best example of a godly mother possible to your son, and that starts with a solid relationship with your Heavenly Father and following his Word.
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