Love the Life You Live: Harnessing Your Wild Side
- Monday, October 04, 2004
Now is not the time for your horses to run free! They need clear, authoritative guidance. Staying strong and alert in the driver’s seat, carefully supervising the expression of your desires, and ending up precisely where you want to be are the primary goals of a healthy life. The rewards can be astonishing.
How can you handle your sexual longings and your coworker’s advances in a positive way? It wouldn’t do any good to deny your needs. They are real and legitimate. We were created with an innate longing for connection. But the facts are in: You have a much better chance of getting those sexual longings satisfied to the fullest when you stay aware of them and when you contain them within a committed lifelong relationship.
Lynn Harris, a Glamour magazine writer, recently interviewed numerous women, single and married, in her report on how women felt about their sexual experiences. To her surprise, she discovered that the woman who was the happiest said that her sexual experiences had been with one man. This attractive blonde, a thirty-year-old lawyer who has been married twelve years, had practiced abstinence as a single and now reported happily, “I’ve had more sex than most of my single friends, and I’ve been with only one person.” The truth is, all the sexual conquests outside of marriage – however tempting at times – can never measure up to the commitment of a marriage relationship.
There is no such thing as casual sex, no matter how casual people are about it. After intercourse, a couple’s relationship is somehow now what it was before. – Lewis Smedes
So the last thing you want to do is to let your impulses control you. They will press you to seek immediate gratification, and they will try to convince you to forget about any repercussions. If you let go of the reins, you will inevitably endanger your marriage – or any potential dating relationship, if you are single – undermine your values, and trade away long-term happiness for short-term satisfaction.
But what a boom to your marriage if you turn the power of your sexual needs into a masterful plan for fostering intimacy with your wife. She is the woman you’ve chosen to be with for the rest of your days. So why not become a genius in solving this dilemma?
Try the following:
Talk about your needs. Ask your spouse about hers.
Seek to understand each other better through active listening (rather than listening with your own agenda in mind).
Be vulnerable. Share with your spouse what a struggle it is to have unfulfilled desires. Tell her you are committed to your relationship and your wedding vows, and you want to find a path that’s mutually satisfying.
Ask how you could be a better lover – and be ready to listen without judging or criticizing your spouse’s responses.
Seek out a marriage-support group, or go to counseling together.
Find ways to improve the quality of your sexual relationship.
The highest level of sexual excitement is in a monogamous relationship. – Warren Beatty
As you seek healthy solutions to your sexual urges, each of you stands to benefit for as long as you both shall live. And such honesty will help you feel not only profoundly significant to each other but will also allow you to be unswervingly authentic, with nothing hidden from your spouse.
The stronger your sexual drives, the more opportunity there will be for the destructiveness of your behavior – or the enhancement of your life. That’s why emotionally healthy persons are never out of control for long when it comes to their wild side. The consequences are too enormous.
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