What about a child who struggles with being a “team member”? These children need extra amounts of praise, and sometimes discipline for their lack of cooperation. I try to look especially hard for small steps in the right direction and then just make a really big deal about it. You will be amazed at the difference it makes!

Another thing that works well, as you praise their efforts, is to point them out to the other children and later to their dad. Sometimes I stop and say, “Everybody come look at ______. She is doing such a great job washing dishes!” And then I may turn to the child and say, “I am so glad God gave you to us—you are a gift!”

A point to be made about the power of words is that you can completely change a person’s habits by speaking about him the way you wish he was. Not lying, mind you, but taking every tiny opportunity to speak in a positive direction. Sometimes, if a child is struggling with completing tasks in a timely manner, I will just say one day, “Wow, you are so fast! You really got that job done in a timely manner!” This instantly sparks the desire in that child to be more efficient in the future.

It’s all about expressing through various ways that your children are valuable, that they are an important part of your family, that they are significant. Everyone wants to feel like his existence is meaningful, and it is our job as parents to communicate that. The tendency is to wait until they are older to communicate such things, but that is a mistake.  We must begin at a very early age expressing our deepest appreciation and love to them.  I think, tragically, this is one of the missing elements of modern families. Because each member is involved in his or her own pursuits, there is little time for the members to feel like they belong together, working toward a common goal. They all have different friends, different schedules, different interests—is it any wonder so many families are struggling with rebellious, angry children?

Consequences and Rewards

Another element of encouraging each member of the family to share in the  workload is the basic “cause and effect” method. When children are occasionally rewarded for their diligent help, the behavior is reinforced. Likewise, when undesired behavior is punished, the behavior is avoided.

Let me give you an example of this method: Little Johnny’s job is to take the trash out every morning without being told. This morning, it is approaching 11:00 a.m. and the trash is spilling over on the floor. Little Johnny doesn’t notice this, because, well, he is little Johnny. Now you have choices. You could do the job yourself in desperation and not even mention it to him. But all that will do is guarantee more work for you in the future because you have just trained him that it pays to procrastinate. 

The second choice you have is to nag and fuss. This one probably comes most naturally for us moms who believe that enough nagging will solve any problem. Wrong. For a little boy, nagging has detrimental consequences that get worse as he gets older. No, you need a straightforward, no-fuss approach. One option might be that you call Johnny to the trash can. Point out that his lack of diligence has created a mess in the kitchen. Calmly and firmly explain that as soon as he does his trash chore, he will go outside and weed the driveway (or whatever other undesirable chore you can think of!). Actually, this is when I like to think of one of those chores I’ve been putting off (don’t tell the kids!), like straightening the Tupperware cabinet, and utilize the opportunity to get it done!  The result is that Johnny has just learned that procrastinating on a given job buys him more jobs. Tomorrow he will think twice. Now, will the one incident solve his problem forever? Doubtful! But be consistent. Remember, you are training. Training is a slow, continual process in which progress is not always readily or easily seen.