Dear Readers,

In a recent advice column I shared some opinions about whether husbands or wives should be concerned about how their mate looks. I challenged you to respond as to whether love should be unconditional. I received many responses —most suggesting that it was a complex issue. Many of the responses indicated that we should never judge others by their outward appearance, and yet should be concerned with our mate’s health. We should also be just as concerned about their inner beauty, and building our relationship on those enduring traits.

What follows are a sampling of the responses I received:

Dear Dr. David,

The question is this: Should we, as husbands or wives, be concerned about how our mate looks, or should our love be unconditional?

The way the question is posed, the answer would seem obvious. Of course we (husbands) should offer our wives unconditional love. But then does that sort of love become a license or carte blanche for anything goes with appearance?  I think not.  I think the issue is often more complex....with other sub-issues attached.  Is she sick of sex and trying to keep him at distance?  Is there a wrong relationship with food? Are there relational difficulties that she is working out through gaining weight?  And really as a doctor, the underlying question of how this is all affecting the general picture of her health is probably a better place to start.  

But raising all these issues is easy compared to actually addressing them in a substantive manner.    

Dear Dr. David,

I read the letter from the wife who was responding to a man wanting her to lose weight. She cites many different reasons for having weight issues, among which are pregnancy, child nursing years, and menstrual cycles...all of which are very valid reasons for having a desire to take on a lot of nutrition. I feel the problem is not only that people (men and women alike) are taking on a lot of extra nutrition, but they are taking on foods that are loaded with fats, sugars, hydrogenated oils, high-fructose corn syrups, packaged, processed instant meals - and basically empty calories...couple this with the high stress of today's lifestyle resulting in higher than normal levels of cortisol which is the result of overstressed adrenal glands -- which causes the body to begin retaining excess fat in the stomach & hips especially. We are becoming a very overweight society as a whole - men, women and children. 

I believe that the Lord would want men and women alike not to be focusing on  the outside, but the inside of a person -- praying and discovering ways to help each other become healthy - which would include a more natural, nutritious diet & exercise. I believe it's a matter of love -- when people are overweight, they tend to have a poor self image, feel tired all the time, have no energy, feel self conscience and are in danger of heart disease, cancer, diabetes and the like. If you truly love someone, you don't want them to feel bad about themselves or be unhealthy - you want to help them to nurture their bodies so you can grow old together, so you have a life and future together, so you know you're doing all you can to be healthy and happy for the Lord, for yourselves, your children and grandchildren. If couples were to approach weight issues in this light, it would be apparent that the motivation was love, not a fleshly desire to see a perfect '10' in their mate, thus removing the resentment and opposition to be 'told' what to do.