For many Christian Nice Guy marriages, Valentine’s Day is a painful reminder of how disengaged their marriage really are. But there’s hope. If handled in a better way, Valentine’s Day can be the beginning of something much stronger and better than they imagined—provided both spouses are willing to look at their problem from different perspectives. They’ll see that what was once a bone of contention is actually intimacy in disguise.

A Christian Nice Guy has mixed feelings about Valentine's Day. He wants to be more demonstrative with his feelings of love, but something inside him thinks it's too dangerous. That something is usually fear, which is in the driver's seat of his life. And chances are he doesn't know it yet. Making matters worse, his wife or girlfriend often takes his limited emotional range and his reluctance to express what little emotional capacity he does have personally. 

Sometimes her anger gets the better of her and she says things she regrets and unintentionally pushes him away. This is too bad because chances are his inability to be Mr. Romance began well before they met, especially if he had an alcoholic parent or if he attended churches that unintentionally denatured his masculinity.

Christian Nice Guys and the women who love them need to take a different approach toward how they reveal emotions. Such men need to take more chances, and their wives or girlfriends need to provide more room for them to express their true feelings without fear of reprisal or correction. The following exercises have helpful Christian Nice Guy marriages as well as single Christian Nice Guys get closer to saying those two words they long to say and hear, “I do.”

Married Christian Nice Guy: This Valentine's Day, concentrate less on flowers and more on feelings (Okay, do both). Write down the ten most powerful moments in your life, spanning from great (honeymoon) to horrible (the day Buddy your dog died). Then, beginning on Valentine's Day – or even better, on a series of date nights over the next few months - share these moments with her. Share more than just the facts about these moments, but how these moments made you *feel.* Fight the urge to make sure that your feelings must come out "right." Just express them. Avoid the tendency to "clip" your negative feelings by pretending not to feel pain or sadness when you really do. If the woman sitting across from you is one of goodwill, your emotional revelation will draw her toward you, not away. It is our imperfections that make us relatable.

Christian Nice Guy Wives: You possess a heroic opportunity like no other. Chances are that you are the most instrumental person in his life, and chances are you have more power than you realize. Use it justly. As we explain in Married But Not Engaged, you need to proceed with wisdom, grace, and love. One of the best ways to get past his well-fortified defenses is to ask him questions about better times in his life. Ask him the following questions: