• Who made you feel good about yourself when you were growing up?
• When did you feel most alive and happy as a boy?
• Of all the people you knew as a kid, who would you want to reunite with and why?

And when he speaks, listen. Don't judge him. And please don't correct him. Let him be him, warts and all. Ask him questions about how he felt around the good people of his youth. Chances are he will need help giving his feelings names. Watch his body language and his facial expressions and tell him what you see without judging him. 

This will help him feel more comfortable expressing himself, leading to greater intimacy.

Single Christian Nice Guys: Of all the men I work with SCNGs have some of the most painful stories to tell. They want to be married, but they follow a very bad script when dating. They often think that the way to a woman's heart is to become her newest girlfriend. They also follow spiritual advice that denatures their masculinity, so much so that they appear creepy to many women. Here’s some advice this Valentine’s Day that will put you on a better course:

• Express self-confidence, which you aid by pursuing interests that you are good at.
• Show excitement with life, which you aid by figuring out which settings make you feel happiest and most alive.
• Cultivate opinions and an independent spirit. While on a date, disagree without being obnoxious or shrinking back. Show some gentlemanly backbone.
• Get active. Start an exercise routine or change your existing one to be around women more.
• Don’t gush on and on too early about your romantic wants and desires. 
• You aren’t required to tell her everything you think. Be shrewd.
• Resist trying to control everything that happens while on dates. Romance is a mingling of wills and desires that is allowed to become a new creation. Trying to control this creation often kills it. Not trying to control everything takes the pressure off, helping you become you.
• Show some humor. Memorize a few jokes. And gently tease her—not about something sensitive like appearances. This is unusual advice I know, but it helps Single Christian Nice Guys get over their overriding desire to earn the complete approval of their date. This helps them display a certain independence, which they lack. It also helps SCNGs lighten up.

Valentine’s Day (and all the other days when we’re expected to show how we really feel) doesn’t have to be another reminder of how unengaged you are. It can be the beginning of a new course for your marriage and for your spiritual growth.

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Paul and Sandy Coughlin are the authors of Married But Not Engaged: Why Men Check out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire, which helps Christian Nice Guy marriages grow and deepen. Paul is also a founding member of Godmen (www.godmen.org). For more information about the Christian Nice Guy problem, read No More Christian Nice Guy or visit  Marriedbutnotengaged.com or  Christianniceguy.com.