Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address two questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. David,

My husband and I have slipped into some very destructive habits and I hope you can help. It seems that whenever my husband comes home from work at night, and at other times too, he slips into being critical. Before I know it, I’m defending and explaining my actions, but resenting him the whole time. He doesn’t even know he’s doing it and says he doesn’t want to keep making the mistake of being critical. But, he defends himself, telling me that if I didn’t do some of the things I did, he wouldn’t be upset. But, doctor, I’m tired of being treated like a ten year old for mistakes I make. I don’t treat him like a child when he does something wrong. How can I get him to see that this kind of bickering is killing my love for him? -- Feeling Small

Dear Small,

Your note reflects a growing problem in many relationships, and thankfully, there are some straightforward answers.

First, notice how often you use the words “slip” and “before I know it.” You add, “He doesn’t’ even know he’s doing it.” This suggests a major problem in relationships—a lack of awareness and an incredible passivity. Couples keep treating each other the same ways, “slipping into” the same patterns of interacting, and of course, finding the same results.

The first time couples notice destructive patterns, they can call it a mistake. But, when they make the same mistakes again and again, that’s called neglect and avoidance of real issues. Your passivity, poor boundaries and lack of awareness must end. You both must develop what I call mindful relating. I’ll explain.

Mindful relating is the developing the ability to watch how you are talking to each other, noticing body language, tone, and even critical content. Mindful relating requires always being on guard for destructive habits, such as insidious critical spirits.

Second, you participate in this destructive pattern as well, when you “slip into” defending yourself. Generally, when we defend or explain ourselves it means we are feeling defensive, often to real or perceived criticism.  It is easy to “slip into” an attack-defend-counter-attack cycle without awareness. Some simple rules, healthier boundaries and mindfulness will help you break out of this destructive pattern.