Finally, continue to seek Christian counseling in this matter. As you move forward, there will undoubtedly be times of loss, grief, and emotional struggle for both you and your child. Learning to set healthy boundaries will help you as you move into the next season of your life and assist you with ongoing contact you will have with your wife.

Dear Dr. David,

For some time my wife and I have been at each other. We have been married for seven years. However, in the beginning our marriage started out rough. Because of the constant arguing and contention, I did not want to tell anyone we had gotten married. I've been married three times before. Those marriages were bad. When some of the same things began to happen in our relationship, I thought it wouldn't last. To make a long story short, my wife is holding this against me. These events took place over five years ago. She is constantly saying that she can't trust me, she doesn't like me and that she can't get past the hurt. No matter what I do to make things pleasant, I am faced with the past. Please help me. ~ Lost and Hurt!

Dear Lost and Hurt,

You and your wife need counseling to get past the troubling patterns started early in your relationship. Far too many couples start over in a new marriage, but drag their old patterns with them. This seems to be the case in your marriage.

While it your wife certainly seems to be carrying grudges, which is not healthy or helpful, I wonder if you have really taken responsibility for your part in the troubles. You letter hints at mistakes you’ve made; does she feel you’ve changed? Have you fully changed, and done everything possible to help her regain her trust? Trust, as I said repeatedly, takes time to build, and moments to break.

Have you asked her what you can do, specifically, to regain her trust? Have you asked her what, specifically, she doesn’t like about you? She has been hurt by your deception in the past. As the Apostle Paul says, “godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret.” (II Corinthians 7: 10) When your wife fully feels your sorrow, it is likely she will forgive you. God intends for us to feel sorrow for our wrongs, and has a purpose in these experiences. His intention is for us to feel godly sorrow, leading to true character change. Sorrow-repent-change. This is the process in which Christians grow.

Your deception has hurt her. Your anger and contention with one another have been hurtful and you both need healing. My guess is that she fires critical comments at you and, being human, you defend yourself. Hence, nothing gets resolved.

Consider these simple, but critical, steps.

·        Tackle one issue at a time

·        Be specific in your concerns for one another