They are making the same mistake most Cinderellas and Cavemen make in a conflict conversation: They are fighting over two versions of the same event. Ever do that? Of course you have. We all have, over and over again.

They are quibbling over details and semantics. Who cares if it was in the bathroom or the kitchen? That’s a rabbit trail! They are incorrectly assuming that there is just one true version of what happened.

The fact is, every conflict includes two truths, two true versions of what happened. You have your truth—how you experienced the event. Your spouse has her truth—how she experienced the event. You are right and she is right. You are both right!

Please understand you and your spouse will never—and I mean never—agree on all the details of an event and what happened. The event could be important or trivial; it could be a conflict situation or not. One Cinderella and one Caveman will always see it differently. It’s part of the mystery of being married.

One of you won’t say, “Wow, honey, after hearing you talk, I realize I’m wrong. It happened the way you said it happened.” No! You experienced it differently. Two different persons always have two different perspectives.

So many couples get hung up on this level. Sandy and I did for years. I tried to convince Sandy that I knew the truth, and she tried to convince me she knew the truth. We stopped our relationship cold.

We didn’t get any deeper. We didn’t get all our feelings out. In fact, we got even angrier. We didn’t get understanding. We didn’t resolve the conflict. We got gummed up, and we damaged our marriage. These conversations ended with both of us convinced the other was lying.

We finally figured out how to get through conflicts in a new and better way. A way that protects our marriage and actually creates more intimacy. Our way will work for you too.

Take Turns in Conflict

In my example, Bill needs to let Bertha talk, and he needs to believe that what she is saying is her truth. Here’s the replay:

Bertha:  “Bill, I need to talk to you about something. Can you meet me at the kitchen table in ten minutes? Good.”        

Bertha:  (ten minutes later) “Bill, I want to talk about what happened in the bathroom a little while ago. I’m angry that you accused me of being a gossip.”   

Bill: (He says nothing original. He doesn’t say it was in the kitchen. He doesn’t deny he called her a gossip and set her straight. No, he’s too smart for that. He’s learning. He thinks, I’ll try Dr. Clarke’s way) “You heard me call you a gossip. I can see you’re angry.”

That’s all Bill says! He then allows Bertha to talk the whole situation out and express her feelings. With him listening, reflecting back what she says, and believing her truth, Bertha gets her anger and hurt out. Because he’s not disagreeing with her, her anger and emotional intensity go down. For couples to resolve conflict, their anger must subside.

This is the “one speaker and one listener” rule. To resolve a conflict, one spouse must be speaking and one spouse must be listening. If both spouses speak, they won’t resolve the conflict and will damage their relationship. When Bertha feels understood and most of her anger and hurt are out, Bill gets his turn to present his truth. Bill does not get his turn to speak until Bertha gives him the go-ahead. He doesn’t start when he feels ready to talk. He starts when she feels ready to listen. That will be when she feels understood and believed. If Bill starts too soon, Bertha won’t be ready to listen.

After a short break to let Bertha’s feeling of being understood settle and become solid, Bill talks. Bertha listens, reflects back what she hears, and believes his truth. Of course, his truth will be different from hers.