Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address two questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Hello Dr. David,

I am heartbroken. Every time I become angry or upset about a situation, my husband will NOT speak with me. In the past I used to become extremely upset and livid when I thought he wasn't listening to me. I don't blow up right away anymore, but it's like trying to scale Everest. Sometimes when I try to get him to listen to me, he says I only "find things wrong" with him when I am mad....this does tend to be the time when most people see each other's faults.

I have written down on paper (when I am not angry) the issues that are really on my heart, and I think we should possibly get counseling for these problems, especially since we have a small son. But he thinks I have an attitude problem, and that all these other "problems" will be solved if I first get my attitude right. I know I need to change (this is easier said than done), but at the same time, I still see marriage as a two-person effort. When I do have a good attitude, none of these problems seem to exist anymore, and nothing ever gets said or done. I don't know whether it really is just me, or how or when to appropriately bring up my husband's issues. I have sought help from my mother, who says that the best thing a wife can do for her husband is to quietly seek God and pray for change, not out of spite, but out of love. I was wondering what your thoughts were? ~ Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

You make some good points and in the process have answered many of your own questions.

You appropriately note that in the past you have become “extremely upset and livid” when you thought your husband wasn’t listening to you. One wonders whether he clammed up before you became livid, or whether his clamming up was at least in part a response to your intensity. Either way, you’ve become caught in a vicious cycle: you get angry, he clams up, making you even angrier, while in the meantime communication totally stops and problems don’t get solved.

While your mother offers helpful counsel, it’s not enough. Seeking God and praying for change are great places to begin, and the very act of bathing marital issues in prayer brings a change of heart and attitude, not to mention bringing God’s grace and wisdom to bear on the problems. However, after receiving God’s wisdom, action and changing destructive patterns are also required.

Since most men have a low tolerance for emotional intensity, women need to learn how to say things calmly and clearly, ideas completely developed in my book Saying It So He’ll Listen. When women approach men with a cooperative spirit, seeking to understand them while also dealing directly with problems, they’re more likely to receive a listening ear. When communication is calm, and spoken to benefit those who listen, (Ephesians 4: 29) the results are much more productive. You may also need to be consistent in your approach, letting him know that you intend to manage your anger, avoid lectures and outbursts, but need him to problem-solve with you.