Don’t play the blame game. Understand that it’s common to notice more sin in yourself when you’re married than when you’re single – but that’s not your spouse’s fault. Realize that the experience of living with someone in an intimate relationship naturally brings your sin to the surface as you’re dealing with the realities of learning to work together.

Focus on undeserved grace, not unmet needs. Instead of dwelling on what needs your spouse isn’t meeting for you and letting resentment poison your marriage, remember that neither one of you deserve God’s grace, yet He has chosen to freely give it to you anyway. Ask God to help you freely extend grace to your spouse, no matter what the current circumstances of your marriage. Rather than trying to manipulate your spouse to meet your needs, try to be a blessing to your spouse, trusting that your love will change the dynamics of your marriage.

Pass along mercy to your spouse. Thank God for the mercy He has given you, and decide to obey His call to pass mercy along to your spouse. Ask God to help you see your spouse as God sees him or her – through the eyes of mercy. Recognize that every married couple has profound differences, but that mercy makes it possible to work together despite those differences instead of giving up on the relationship. Pray for the mercy you need to move beyond arguing over your own concerns and trying to win battles, to representing Christ well in your marriage and loving your spouse steadfastly. Ask God to help you be kind to and patient with your spouse no matter what. Resist acting as prosecuting attorney against your spouse. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. When you’re not in conflict, ask your spouse: “What behavior of mine expresses anger or a lack of love for you?” Then take your spouse’s answer and try to do the opposite when you feel sinned against. When sin patterns are causing persistent problems in your marriage, seek help from trusted friends, your pastor, or a counselor. Choose to overlook some of your spouse’s offenses and wipe the slate clean between you. Sympathize with your spouse’s weaknesses and remember how much you need God’s mercy because of your own weaknesses.

Forgive. Realize that the greatest agent for change in your marriage is forgiveness. Understand that, just as God has forgiven you, He expects you to be willing to forgive others. Know that you can count on God to help you forgive your spouse, no matter what. Recognize that all sin against you is also against God, and the gospel of Christ’s forgiveness encompasses your spouse’s sin as well as your own. Rely on God’s power to repent of your own sins, forgive your spouse for his or her sins, and pursue restoration in your marriage.